D&D is For Nerds

Spot Length: :60
Talent: 9 Hells Toy Circle Co.
Title: D'Grugrial Rebrand

Start With a Story (Required. Personalise so it sounds like you're telling a friend about the new D'Grugrial action figure)
Your Story: First, talk about a moment you needed the new D'Grugrial action figure but didn't have the new D'Grugrial at hand. Then introduce the new D'Grugrial action figure as the fix.
Example:
Picture this, you standing next to a disgusting elf. They're happy, haven't been insulted, look like they're better than you in every possible way and probably took you job and/or wife. We know you want to say something but calling them an old slur is cringe and embarrassing. Thankfully 9 Hells Toy Circle Co.'s brand new and updated D'Grugrial Action Figure has you covered.
Incorporate Brand Touchpoints (Choose 1 -2 additional points that support your endorsement)

New slurs are come up with in minutes, not hours!
Previous D'Grugrial models only had sixteen (16) slurs to choose from!
Now comes with slurs for Owlbears, Draculas and Beholders!
With 9 Hells Toy Circle Co.'s Premium slur-driven technology, D'Grugrial Branded Action Figures will have all your slur needs covered.
Yes, it really does smell like that!
D'Grugrial is known for their obnoxious odour and unique affrontage to whatever god(s) you believe in
The only leaking action figure on the market!
Emphasise that you shouldn't drink whatever comes out of D'Grugrial even though you will have a strong desire to
It's a curse thing that legal are saying that we need to include
Trade in you're old, hagged D'Grugrial Action Figure for a 10% discount at all 9 Hells Toy Circle Co. stores!
For just $89.99 and a soul coin, you get the brand new D'Grugrial Action Figure
First 100 orders also receive a free coupon to be spent at any participating Hag store for an upgraded lotion, potion or spell
Call to action (mandatory - must read verbatim)

Buy new D'Grugrial action figure today. Head to nearest 9 Hells Toy Circle Co. Store, call employee one of your many preferred slurs to secure purchase of D'Grugrial action figure. Terms apply. See in store for details. Once again, DO NOT drink anything that comes out of D'Grugrial.

If you supported the Jarren's Outpost Board Game, check your emails to manage your pledge manager! Of course you can still grab a copy right here and we insist you do xx o.
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Over a year ago, an argument outside the old bone grinder. Two voices. One coaxing the other. Soothing assurance that whatever they might find inside will be no match for the two of them. It’ll be fine Paul, it’s only hags. The other voice, less sure, less certain, providing a laundry list of reasons they should probably turn around. The first voice lower now, more gentle. Trust me, I’ve got you. The second voice acquiesces.

Inside, the pungent odour of rot and the throaty chirruping of an enormous toad. A collection of rags and bones coalesces into the floating form of a wretched old woman. Her voice like shattered glass. You’re fucking dead you rat cunts! Fuck you! The sizzling sound of magical energy. Run! The first voice, panicked and self serving. It’s got me, I’m trapped. The second voice, fearful and strained. The first voice does not respond. Pip? The second voice pleads. Pip.

But he is gone.

If you supported the Jarren's Outpost Board Game, check your emails to manage your pledge manager! Of course you can still grab a copy right here and we insist you do xx o.
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There is no formal name given to worship of the One Above and the One Below. It is a strange religion and one not well known outside of the small pockets of the multiverse where people practise it. Those who believe see themselves as part of a grander cosmic food chain with the One Below being the source of their power. They feed on one One Below to power their minds and bodies and souls and spells. In this way the One Below is seen as a creator god, a fertility god, or a god of harvest depending on the context. The One Below is conceptualized as different entities depending on the context such as a worm, a deer, or a chicken. Adherents then see the One Above as feeding upon them when they die to fuel its own power; the One Above acting as a god of judgement, true death, or even renewal. While similarly to the One Below there is no definitive depiction of the One Above by far the most common form is a giant bird. This is observed through works made by the Grung people who are the most prevalent, but certainly not the only, adherents to the faith. Common death rites involve exposing the corpse to the elements and scavengers so that the soul can pass seamlessly up the cosmic food chain.

If you supported the Jarren's Outpost Board Game, check your emails to manage your pledge manager! Of course you can still grab a copy right here and we insist you do xx o.
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I had no ambition to be remembered. All I knew is that I wanted a desk eventually. Somewhere dry and quiet. A place where my boots didn't end the day caked in mud and dirt. I did not care for the frontline. I did not care for battle. I did not care that my wife always worried whenever I went on a campaign. I was not, and will never be, what you'd call a hero. Someone history bent around. That was for other people. To happen elsewhere, while I stayed comfortable at its edges. I was happy with that arraignment.

He arrived unannounced, in the middle of the night, from somewhere I still don't fully understand. He was forthright with any questions I had. A deeply honest man. There were rumours about the man responsible for making all of what we do possible, the majority of which I didn't understand. What I did understand, however, was that the man across from me, looking at drilling contracts and charters of accounts didn't understand any of it. But unlike most men of consequence I've dealt with, he was honest about that. In the end he said he'd rather be honestly ignorant in front of one man than dishonestly confident in front of a hundred, and would I be that man.

He has had many names and titles throughout history, both his own and mine. Some flattering. Some true to the man I knew. Others I still can't reconcile with him at all, atrocities I have no answer for and have stopped trying to find one. But before he was anything to anyone, he was a stranger asking me to be as honest with him as he was with me. For that I will always respect him and I will always call him a friend.

- From the memoirs of Lord Warden Forsyth of the Sand Marches

If you supported the Jarren's Outpost Board Game, check your emails to manage your pledge manager! Of course you can still grab a copy right here and we insist you do xx o.
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An army marches on its stomach. Please do not take this literally. As impressive as it may look, a thousand men flopping, rolling and laughing in the mud is neither intimidating or practical. What I am talking about is, very simply, food.
Every quartermaster knows the phrase "send a druid before the cart and the army eats before it starts". Yet seldom do they know the second part of the phrase: "but slight her once, and mark it well, the forest keeps its own farewell". To put it bluntly, be nice to your druid and she'll be nice to you.
This is harder than it sounds, as druids are, quite frankly, miserable countrymen. A druid does not march in formation, screams at most steel weaponry and will stop the whole host because a hedge "seemed unhappy about something." A druid will let a man go hungry on principle before she lets him shoot a doe that hasn't finished raising her fawns. She she will not apologise and she will remember exactly which soldier complained the loudest. Men who have survived three sieges without flinching will cross an entire camp to avoid a druid's disappointed silence. It is, by every account I've collected, deeply unpleasant to be quietly out-ranked in a moral argument by someone holding a badger and has sunflowers in their hair.

None of this matters however, as in the end it is a matter of arithmetic.

To feed 50 men for one week without a druid, you will need:
* 3 supply wagons
* 6 oxen to pull them, and feed for the oxen
* 2 armed escorts per wagon, minimum, against bandits, wolves and goblins. Especially goblins.
* 1 forager scout, who will get lost so best make it 2 forager scouts
* Standing goodwill (or standing coin) with whichever village you're passing
* A contingency plan for when the village has, quite reasonably, hidden its grain
* An extra crate of soft-leather shoes you can boil for "shoe soup"

To feed 50 men for one week with a druid, you will need:
* A druid
* Several unruly horses you hate (to feed said druid)

I once witnessed a single druid consume eleven horses over the span of a six week campaign. She never once touched the venison, the rabbit or the fish she herself had summoned to shallow water out of what I can only assume was professional courtesy to the fish. Only the horses. By the third horse I finally asked her why. She considered the question with the seriousness of a woman being asked to explain colour to someone born without eyes. She said that she liked them. Not the meat. Them. For the better part of a decade I have not stopped thinking about her answer and I am no closer to understanding it.
In my youth, I naïvely thought it was only this particular druid that had a penchant for horse meat. Let me tell you dear reader, I had never been so wrong in my entire life.

- On the Matter of the Marching Stomach, and Other Inconveniences of War by Quartermaster-General Ordo Bramblehoof

If you supported the Jarren's Outpost Board Game, check your emails to manage your pledge manager! Of course you can still grab a copy right here and we insist you do xx o.
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