Deadly Traps for Teens

• What Are the Deadly Traps?

  FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. The Deadly Traps of AdolescenceDay 1 of 10 Guest:                        Dennis and Barbara Rainey From the series:       What are the Deadly Traps?______________________________________________________________  Bob:                The road along which a teenager travels has traps on either side. Teenager:      Dad?  Dad?  Slow down.  I can't see.  Well, I know you can.  Dad, are you sure this blindfold doesn't come off?  What traps?  Huh?  Where?  Hey, Dad, I'm going to let go for a second.  I'll be okay, don't worry.  I'm just going right over here.  See?  See, I'm fine.  There, see?  Nothing happened.  There weren't any traps.  Huh?  Where am I going?  Just out.  Dad, I know, I still have the blindfold on, and you've been down this – I know, I know – bye. (footsteps and then teenager yells)                         Dad? Bob:                Ouch.  This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, July 9th.  Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.  The road to adolescence is paved with deadly traps.  Stay tuned.                         And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Monday edition, and there you have it.  You heard the sound of another teenager in the snare. Dennis:          Yeah, and did you hear that cry – "Hey, Dad."  Have you ever done that? Bob:                I've been off in some of those snares as I wandered my way through adolescence.  Dennis:          That's right, and I've cried out, and sometimes I've been too far away from home, Bob, yeah, and it's a serious matter, though.  We're laughing about it – these snares that are in existence today for teenagers are all too real and all too dangerous. Bob:                We're going to be talking this week about some of the deadlier snares that are laid for our teenagers in our culture today, and this is material that comes out of a book that you and your wife, Barbara, have written recently.  In fact, Barbara is in the studio with us.  Hi, Barbara. Barbara:         Hi, Bob. Bob:                The name of the book is … Dennis:          … oh, no, you've got to do more than that, Bob.  I mean, she is denying all types of motherly and wifely duties to be in here, and I just feel like (applauds). Bob:                That's right.  We're glad you're along, our listeners are glad you're along …                         … good … Dennis:          … yeah, back by popular demand.  You know, we were having dinner last night with a couple and they said, "You know, we really like it when Barbara is on the broadcast." Bob:                And I really appreciate, too, and I know Barbara does, that you have offered, Dennis, to do a lot of the laundry and a lot of the dishes as a result of Barbara … Barbara:         … yeah, dinner is the big thing. Dennis:          I don't remember that. [laughter]  Bob:                We're going to be talking about things that come out of a book that the two of you have recently written.  It's entitled, "Parenting Today's Adolescent," and remind us of what are the big concepts that parents need to be aware of as we go through the process of raising our children. Dennis:          Well, the book is really built around three underlying assumptions, and the first one is so important.  In fact, over the next few days the listeners are going to hear us over and over again pound the table about being relationally involved in our children's lives – not merely being at their events, not just going with them but having our hearts connected soul-to-soul. Bob:                Barbara, if you don't have the relationship in place, you're really headed for some turbulent waters as you head into adolescence, aren't you? Barbara:         Yeah, because it's so easy for our teenagers to get involved in myriads of activities – just thing after thing after thing, and they're after school at practices, and they're going to ball games at night, and they're getting up early to do things, and you just don't see them anymore, and unless you've got connecting points, unless you're pursuing that teenager and asking questions constantly – where are you going?  What are you doing?  What's happening in your life?  Who are you hanging out with? and pursuing that child to get to know that child and stay after it, you're going to end up going your separate ways. Dennis:          Yeah, in fact, last night Barbara and I were both up late with a teenager on our bed, and it was fascinating, because we were having a discussion around one of these traps that gets an adolescent.  It's the trap of deceit.  And our daughter was on the edge of the bed down near one corner, and I looked at her, and I said, "Sweetheart, you need to understand that it's not you in one corner of life and us in the other corner, and that we, as your parents are adversaries.  We are in your corner, and we're fighting for you, and we want to keep you out of these deadly traps that are going to get teenagers."                           And I just need you to know and need you to understand that, as parents, the reason we love you and are going to battle for you is because we want to save you from the pain that we just heard at the beginning of the broadcast of that teenager walking off into that trap.                           And I said to that teenage daughter, "Do you understand what we're saying?  We're really pulling for you?  We're not against you.  And, finally, all too late last night, she nodded her head and said, "Yes, Daddy."                           And it was an acknowledgement that only came about after a 30-minute conversation, Bob, that ...

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• Peer Pressure

  FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. The Deadly Traps of AdolescenceDay 2 of 10 Guest:                        Dennis and Barbara Rainey From the series:       Peer Pressure  Bob:                And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.  It's Tuesday, July 10th, and we thought we'd do something a little different today – we're broadcasting from outdoors here on the Montana prairie.   Dennis:          It's beautiful out here, isn't it? Bob:                It is beautiful. Dennis:          Big Sky Country – man, the grass is so green and fresh, wow.  Bob:                The wind is kind of warm. (rumbling noise) Dennis:          What's that?  What is that, Bob?  Did you hear that? Bob:                I do hear that. Dennis:          Bob, the ground's shaking. Bob:                There's a little bit of a … Dennis:          … feel it? Bob:                Uh-huh, it's coming.  Look over on the – on the horizon! Dennis:          Bob, it's a bunch of them. Bob:                It's … Both:               The herd! Dennis:          That was kind of fun – we survived the buffalo stampede here. Bob:                I'm not sure we'll survive the teenage stampede. Dennis:          Oh, man. Barbara:         It lasts a little longer. Dennis:          It sure does. Bob:                We are talking this week on the broadcast about some of the traps that are laid for teenagers, some of the deadlier traps that are laid for young people as they go through the teenage years, and one of the traps that they face is the trap of the herd, it's the trap of peer pressure, Dennis. Dennis:          You know, Jeremiah, chapter 5, verse 26 says, "Among my people are wicked men who lie in wait like men who snare birds and those who set traps to catch men."  That's peers – evil peer pressure can snare our children and can ruin their lives. Bob:                You know, Barbara, everywhere you look and listen and read and watch, you hear about peer pressure and its influence, and yet it's almost like we've heard so much about it that we've forgotten that it's real, and we're not sure how to define it or what to do with it.  From a mom's standpoint, practically, what are the issues around peer pressure that are real issues for our families? Barbara:         To me the big issue for peer pressure is for mom and dad to stay involved.  You need to know who the kids are that your child is hanging out with, who their friends are, and you need to be watching how those friends of your child are beginning to change, because all of our kids, as they move from elementary school in those early years of when they still like Mom and Dad.                           But they move into junior high, all of our kids are going to change in some way or another, and we can't assume, as parents, that the kids that our children have been friends with since kindergarten, first grade, second grade, are still going to be the same kind of influence, the same kind of child, in junior high and high school that our child is going to be. We can't assume that they're going to have the same value system, the same convictions, the same beliefs.  We've seen it with all of our kids that some of the children that they've grown up with have taken a different fork in the road in junior high and that friendship changes, and if parents assume that those kids are going to just be the same kids, then we get blindsided. Dennis:          You know, in that passage I read in Jeremiah, chapter 5, it says "among my people are evil men."  The most dangerous form of peer pressure will not come from the non-Christian audience.  It will come from the youth group, from children who have been on the right path until they hit 13 or 15 and, all of a sudden, they steer down the wrong path, and they begin to take a group with them.                         In fact, there is a larger group in most youth groups heading down that path than there is down the path to righteousness and following Jesus Christ and, as parents, Barbara and I have spent a great deal of time being very careful analyzing who are our children hanging out with?  What's their spiritual condition?  Where are they headed – constantly monitoring who our children's friends are. Bob:                The bad kids are kind of obvious, even to our teenagers.  It's the good kids who are starting to dabble in some bad things that can be the ones who pull our kids off into the ditch with them. Dennis:          Exactly, and it's important for our children to know when it's okay to run with the herd and what kind of herd they can run with and when it's time for them to graze alone.  Paul warned in 1 Corinthians, chapter 15, verse 33, he said, "Don't be deceived.  Bad company corrupts good morals."  All of our children have memorized that verse prior to going into adolescence, because they have to understand that peers are going to influence them, either for good or for evil. Bob:                You illustrate this principle in a really powerful way with your sixth grade Sunday school class that you taught for many years.  How did you do it? Dennis:          Well, I brought a shiny apple into class, and I said that this apple is about to fall under peer pressure, and I let it spend some time with a couple of buddies, and these two buddies were bad apples, and they had bruises on them, and to make sure that the experiment worked, I'd actually bounced them off the floor a couple of times, so these were truly bad apples, okay?                           And I actually hid the br...

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• Sex - Part 1

  FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. The Deadly Traps of Adolescence Day 3 of 10 Guest:                        Dennis and Barbara Rainey From the series:       Sex________________________________________________________________   Bob:                If you're a parent, have you challenged your son or your daughter to wait until marriage to become sexually active?  Barbara Rainey says maybe you haven't given enough of a challenge. Barbara:         We've realized with our kids that the standard of maintaining their virginity is not enough, because when a young girl and a young boy get together, and they decide they like each other, and they begin holding hands and hugging and kissing and other things, what's happening is they're damaging their purity; they're losing their innocence. Bob:                This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, July 11th.  Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.  As parents, how can we challenge our teenagers to a high standard of moral purity?  We'll talk about that today.                         And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.  This week we are spending some time looking at the traps that have been set for our teenagers throughout our culture and what we can do as parents to help steer our children around these traps so that they don't become ensnared.  And what we're talking about comes from a book by Dennis and Barbara Rainey called "Parenting Today's Adolescent," and Barbara joins us in the studio today.  Hi, Barbara, nice to have you back with us. Barbara:         Thanks, Bob. Bob:                Dennis, these traps that face our teenagers can be invisible to us, as parents, but they can also be deadly to our kids. Dennis:          They can, in fact, I think that's why much of the scripture is warning us about snares and traps.  There are more than 50 references in the Old Testament and New Testament to avoiding the snare of the enemy, or the trap of the evil person, and over in Proverbs, chapter 7, there's the warning against the adulteress, and although it's talking about a married man, I think it relates to our teenagers as we help them navigate the dangers of all the traps set before them.                         It's speaking of the adulteress here in verse 21, "With persuasive words, she led him astray.  She seduced him with her smooth talk.  All at once, he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose, 'til an arrow pierces his liver like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life."                           Then Solomon says, "Now, then, my sons, listen up, listen to me, pay attention to what I say.  Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her path."  Why?  Because there's a snare there – there's a trap there, and it may cost you your soul.  It may destroy your life. And, Bob, I think, as parents, we need to assume the responsibility that Solomon was with his son when he penned this book and sought to instruct his son in the way of righteousness.  We need to help our children isolate and determine what those snares are, where the traps are being laid, and then help them understand how it happens, and he described the harlot here of persuading the young man with her words and then with her eyes, and he explained to his son how it all happened, and, you know, that's a picture of how we, as parents, are to help our children around these traps. Bob:                And, Barbara, the trap that Dennis has illustrated from the scriptures for us is the one that we're going to be spending time with today and tomorrow – it's the trap of illicit or premarital sexual relations, and whether it's a young lady who is subtly enticing our sons to be sexually involved with her, or a young man who is putting pressure on our daughters to be sexually involved with him, our kids are undoubtedly going to experience, going to face this temptation, this snare, of how involved they're going to be with a member of the opposite sex. Barbara:         And it starts earlier than many of us would ever expect, and that's what I think catches us, as parents, off guard, is that it begins in junior high, and our kids, our girls and our boys, our sons, are faced with this temptation very early on by children who are more grown up, who are raised in a more promiscuous background than we were, who have been exposed to more things in the sexual area than our children have been, and our kids are exposed to that, and they need to know what to do, they need to know what their standards are, they need to know how to make a decision about it. Dennis:          One of the reasons why we have come up with this material, Bob, is out of our sixth grade Sunday school class.  We taught that class for more than 11 years and taught more than 500 11- and 12-year-olds.  Now, that's a lot of sixth graders, and when we started teaching that class, we looked out over them, and we made a wrong assumption.                           We thought, "They're little, they're small, they're young, they're not ready to be challenged in some of the most fundamental areas of life."  And I’m going to tell you, over the 11 years we taught that, if those children taught me anything, it was that assumption was dead wrong.  Eleven and 12-year-old children, and I believe even down to the age of 10, are capable of beginning to hear some very mature material around building their own convictions and beliefs and taking a stand for certain things.                          In fact, one of the things that shocked me was, one of the times when I was teaching about sex to these kids, and I wouldn't talk about the birds and the bees – I always talked about the character issues – your choices and what are you going to do with the opposite sex when you get alone with them?                           I asked them how far they would go with the opposite sex, and I'll share later on, in the next couple of broadcasts, what they said, but what shocked me was they already knew.  They had already drawn some lines in their mind of how far they were going to go in terms of physical involvement with the opposite sex, and what hit me about this is that, here they are, many of them haven't even broken into puberty yet.  They haven't experienced electricity, and they're already figuring out how to turn on the light bul...

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• Sex - Part 2

  FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. The Deadly Traps of Adolescence Day 4 of 10 Guest:                        Dennis and Barbara Rainey From the series:       Sex  Bob:                Parents often wonder – when should we have "the talk" with out children?  Dennis Rainey says it shouldn't just be "the talk," it ought to be "the talks." Dennis:          I've really found that there are different segments that we go through with our children, whether boys or girls, that I've certainly taken our boys through.  First of all, it's just the ABCs of sex – it's the birds and the bees, it's the biological facts about sex, and I honestly believe today that has to be in place by age 10.  If you've not had that conversation with your child, the world is having it. Bob:                This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, July 12th.  Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.  We'll talk today about the big talk parents need to have with their children – what, when, and how?                         And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.  We have been wandering through a field full of traps this week on the program because, as parents, we need to visit and learn where the traps are so that we can be about our job of leading our children through a field of traps that they're going to face as adolescents. Dennis:          Yeah, I thought you were going to the field of dreams there – you know, adolescence is no field of dreams – it's a picture, I believe, of a parent walking through this trap-infested field with a teenager having a blindfold on and being barefoot, scooting along very closely behind the parent with his hands on the parent's shoulder, and the parent guiding him around all these traps because they're dangerous.                         Job, chapter 18, describes the scene, I think, beautifully – verse 8 – "His feet thrust down into a net, and he wanders into its mesh.  A trap seizes hold by the heel; a snare holds him fast; a noose is hidden for him on the ground; a trap lies in his path."  Now, listen to this summary –  "Terrors startle him on every side and dog his every step.  Calamity is hungry for him, disaster is ready for him when he falls."                           That's the picture of a teenager moving from childhood through those perilous adolescent years to adulthood and maturity, and it's our responsibility, as parents, to go ahead of our children and guide them through this process. Bob:                Barbara, there are too many 10-year-olds, 12-year-olds, 15-year-olds, and 18-year-olds out wandering in that field with the blindfold on and nobody leading them at all. Barbara:         Except the culture. Bob:                Yes. Barbara:         And the culture is doing a good job of it, and they're out there alone, or they're out there with a bunch of their buddies, a bunch of their friends, and they're wandering around, just looking for direction, for anybody to tell them what to do, and that's why they get sucked into these traps all the time. Bob:                Where are Mom and Dad? Barbara:         Mom and Dad have usually abdicated.  They've just pulled back, and they've either decided they can't handle this kid, or they've decided this is too much, and he's just going to do what he's going to do, anyway, and I'm just not going to worry about it. Bob:                Dennis, that's part of the reason you and Barbara sat down to spend the hours writing this book to call Mom and Dad back to their post. Dennis:          I think a lot of parents are losing heart in this culture.  This is not an easy time to raise a child, and especially not an easy time to raise a teenager.  The culture doesn't reinforce our standards, if we have standards.  In fact, the culture is attacking those parents who have standards.                           And so, frankly, this is a time to call parents to be courageous, and that's what we attempted to do in this book – kind of put our arms around a parent or a single parent and say, "You know what?  You can do it with the Scriptures and the power of the Holy Spirit with God as the builder of your home, you know what?  You can raise a child to make it through this trap-infested field, and he can make it to maturity and not be maimed or injured for life as a result." Bob:                Yesterday on the broadcast we talked about the trap of sexual immorality, and you encouraged us, as parents, to raise the standard higher than the current cultural standard.  Even within the Christian community, we've set the bar too low, as you see it. Dennis:          That's right.  I've got a letter here that was passed on to me by a grandmother who worked in our ministry here for a number of years.  Her name is Pat Orten [sp], and Pat is a dear person, but she wrote about how her mother helped draw lines and boundaries around her life.                           Now, you can tell by the sound of this letter that this is from another era, but I don't think all of what's represented here is a bad era at all.  I think we need to return to some of the standards represented in this note that she slipped me. She writes –  "I remember my mom drawing the line for me when I began to date.  She instructed me about how a guy should and should not touch me with his hands.  For example, she said to never let a guy place his hand on my knee.  I see so many dating couples with their hands on each other's knee or with his hand in her back pocket of her jeans, and I always remember my mother's words.   Because that line was drawn, my husband and I remained pure in our four-year dating relationship before we were married.  I can still recall more than 40 years ago the pleasure we both experienced when my husband put his hand on my knee as we drove off on our honeymoon.  He laughed and said he'd been waiting for four years to do that."  I love it. Barbara:         I do, too. Dennis:          I really do love that. Barbara:    &n...

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• Dating - Part 1

  FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. The Deadly Traps of Adolescence Day 5 of 10 Guest:                        Dennis and Barbara Rainey From the series:       Dating  Bob:                There are times when a conversation between a father and his daughter can be a little awkward. Dad:                Hi, Jules, how was gymnastics? Julie:               Good.  I landed the double tonight. Dad:                All right, way to go.  Jules, how are you doing with the guys? Julie:               Okay. Dad:                You know, your mom and I have been talking about you and all those boys who call on the phone. Julie:               Great. Dad:                Your mom and I just want to make sure you know what you stand for as you get old enough to date, you know what I mean? Julie:               I know, Dad. Dad:                I want to ask you a very personal question and, listen, you've got the freedom not to answer if you don't want to, okay? Julie:               Sure, Dad, why not? Dad:                Have you thought through how far you're going to go physically with the opposite sex? Julie:               Uh-huh. Dad:                Well, then, would you mind telling me how far you intend to go? Julie:               I know, Dad. Dad:                Where are you going to draw your boundaries, Jules?  Your limits? Julie:               Dad, I know what's right and what's wrong, okay? Dad:                Okay, I'll take that for an answer – for now. Bob:                And welcome to FamilyLife Today.  Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition of our broadcast.  Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and, Dennis, your wife Barbara joining us this week as well.  I'm Bob Lepine, and the tension in that car between that dad and that daughter … Dennis:          … did you hear her keep turning that radio up? Bob:                She did not want to talk. Dennis:          I've been there. Bob:                I've been there, too – got a few radios turned up on me in the conversation.  This is a particularly difficult issue for parents to deal with, with their children.  We've talked on the last couple of broadcasts about how we've got to press through some of that negative static we get from our kids, and get to the core issues around physical involvement, sexual involvement.                          But one of the other traps facing our children as they walk through the teenage years is a trap that is right alongside the trap of sexual intimacy.  It's the trap of dating.  In fact, it may be the gateway.  I think you probably have to step in the dating trap before you usually ever get to the sexual relationship trap, and that's where a lot of parents have got to be shrewd in this culture. Dennis:          You know, parents have got to realize that as our children grow up and into the teenage years, there are going to be these hidden traps, these hidden snares, that will be set for them, and I think one of the biggest ones that they will face is this issue of dating.                           I think of the verse over in Psalm 142, verse 3 – it says, "When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way.  In the path where I walk, men have hidden a snare for me.  Look to my right and see no one is concerned for me.  I have no refuge.  No one cares for my life."                         Well, the psalmist didn't feel that, but a teenager ought to be able to say, "I have a parent.  I have a mom and a dad.  I have a mom, a dad, and a grandparent who care about my way and who are looking out for the hidden snare of dating and the attraction to the opposite sex." Bob:                I think the big question, Barbara, for a lot of kids, as they approach junior high, and they start to develop some interest in members of the opposite sex is – when can I start?  How soon can I start dating?  And that question might creep up on you. Barbara:         Oh, I think it does creep up on you, just like a lot of this other stuff creeps up on parents of adolescents.  We discovered that early on with Ashley, our oldest.  We were at a conference, and we were there with another family, and this other family had a son who was a year older than Ashley, and they had been friends for years, and we just didn't think a whole lot about it.  But they decided one day they wanted to take a walk together and go get a Coke, and we let them go, and then kind of later on we realized they spent some time together alone.  They're 12 and 13 years old. Dennis:          Yeah, she was 12 years old. Barbara:         Yeah, and she kind of likes him, and he kind of likes her and, gosh, I think she just had a date, and we just kind of realized, all of a sudden, that we had allowed her to spend time alone with a boy, and that seemed to be a good definition of a date, and we weren't prepared for that.  But, in essence, that is what happened with Ashley, is she was alone with a boy that she liked, and he liked her, and she really had her first date at 12. Bob:                Dating today has become just the accepted practice of American teenagers.  It's just what you do when you're in junior high and in senior high, and many parents have said, "Well, I guess that's the way it is, and yet you all see some real dangers in the way we do dating today with our kids, don't you? Dennis:   ...

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