Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam

• Teen Self-Doubt: How to Help High-Achieving Teens Build Confidence

  Is your high-achieving teen secretly battling self-doubt? 😔 Mental health expert Jason Phillips joins Dr. Cam—The Teen Translator—in this powerful episode to decode the hidden struggles of perfectionist teens. Learn how to support your teen without adding pressure, embrace failure as growth, and balance achievement with well-being. Get actionable strategies to build their confidence and foster a positive self-perception, as Jason and Dr. Cam unpack self-doubt, academic pressure, burnout, and teen anxiety.   Key Takeaways for Parents Combat Self-Doubt: Empower your teen with resilience, balance, and genuine self-worth. Strengthen Connection: Learn to model healthy behaviors and validate your teen's feelings. Navigate Parental Pressure: Understand how to manage your own expectations and set healthy boundaries. Empower Teen Advocacy: Know when to step in and when to let your teen advocate for themselves.   Enjoying the Show? Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you. Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫  Resources Mentioned in this Episode Free Confidence Guide: stepstoconfidence.com Podcast: Peace and Prosperity Podcast (available on Apple, Spotify, and other podcast platforms)   Connect with Jason Phillips, LCSW Social Media: @JPhillipsMSW (on all platforms) Website: jasonlphillips.com   Connect with Dr. Cam Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell     About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.   Full Transcript Dr. Cam: Welcome back, parents! Today, we're diving into how to support high-achieving teens through self-doubt and burnout. Many teens push themselves to the limit but still feel like they aren't measuring up, even though their parents see their amazing potential. It's frustrating when parents try to help, but their words seem to have the opposite effect. To help us unpack this, I’ve invited Jason Phillips, a therapist and mental health expert who specializes in guiding high achievers to overcome self-doubt and build real confidence. Jason has worked with Fortune 500 companies, law firms, and universities, and today he’s here to help us understand how to support our teens through perfectionism. Welcome, Jason! Jason Phillips: Thanks for having me, Dr. Cam. I'm excited to have this conversation! Dr. Cam: So, Jason, tell us about your journey. How did you end up focusing on helping high achievers? Jason Phillips: It really happened organically. After graduating from the University of Michigan, I worked with military populations at the Ann Arbor VA and later served as the clinic chief at Fort Bragg. Over time, I noticed that corporate executives and leaders were drawn to my approach because I specialize in helping them overcome anxiety. That led me to helping high achievers break free from self-doubt and build confidence. Dr. Cam: That’s amazing. It’s so ironic that high achievers often struggle with self-doubt. From the outside, they seem so confident, yet many of them are riddled with anxiety. I see this a lot with the teens I work with, too. They’re getting straight A’s and excelling, but they still feel like they’re not enough. Their parents tell me that no matter how much they express their love and support, it doesn’t seem to help. So, where do you think this drive for achievement comes from? Jason Phillips: A lot of it comes from external pressures—parents, teachers, peers. I can relate to that pressure myself. I was a high achiever growing up, constantly pushed to excel. While straight A's were celebrated, they came with their own anxiety, because I felt like I couldn’t ever drop below that standard. External pressures, even from well-meaning sources like teachers and family, can make teens feel like they have to be perfect. That’s often where the self-doubt begins. Dr. Cam: That’s such an important point. Parents want to encourage their teens and help them live up to their potential, but the way they say things can sometimes have the opposite effect. How can parents motivate their teens without adding pressure? Jason Phillips: The key is to make room for failure. When we constantly tell our teens how great they are, they might think anything less than perfection means they’re failing. Allowing them to fail is essential, as it helps them see that mistakes are just part of the learning process. They need to understand that not being perfect doesn’t mean they’re not enough. Dr. Cam: I love that. It’s one thing to allow failure, but I try to encourage my teen to embrace it. The idea is that failing at something difficult means you’re pushing beyond your comfort zone, which is where true growth happens. So, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about challenging yourself and learning from those challenges. What do you think about that approach? Jason Phillips: Absolutely. Embracing failure is one of the best ways to help teens develop resilience. By pushing themselves outside their comfort zone, they’ll encounter setbacks, but that’s where growth truly occurs. It’s about focusing on what you tried, not just whether you succeeded or failed. Dr. Cam: Exactly! And that mindset shift can make all the difference. Thanks so much for sharing this insight, Jason. It’s such a helpful perspective for parents trying to support their teens. Jason Phillips: I don't know if you're into exercise or weightlifting, Dr. Cam, but there's this term where you'll ask, how many reps are we doing? Ten, twenty? And sometimes it's until failure, which means pushing yourself until you can't anymore. Jason Phillips: Because we know that's when the growth happens. It's not in staying in a comfort zone. I want you to push yourself to failure until you just can't do anymore. Jason Phillips: And then we've got kids who are constantly pushing themselves and never feel like it's enough. How do we balance that, where it's okay to be just okay and not amazing at everything? How do we communicate that without making them feel like we just think they're okay? Jason Phillips: It goes back to balance. As much as we want to push to failure, we also need time for rest. We can't just go, go, go, or we'll get exhausted and burned out. We need to carve out time to relax, watch TV, play video games, or sleep in. Jason Phillips: Make sure you're not just filling your calendar with things you have to do. You can put so much on there and never feel done. Dr. Cam: I want to emphasize that because I see a lot of parents who don't understand why their kids feel that way, but when you look at their schedules, they're packed. Every time the kids try to relax or scroll through TikTok, they hear, "You're being unproductive." Dr. Cam: You can't do that. If you have time for that, you have time for this. You should be doing this, doing that. We have this belief that we need to be productive 24/7, and that’s exhausting. It leads to burnout. We need to prioritize sleeping in and taking naps. Why is that so hard for us to prioritize? Jason Phillips: For high achievers, it’s almost like feeling guilty—what am I missing or not doing? You're good at so many things, but just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. We need to incorporate rest, too. Parents need to be mindful and let kids pick a couple of things, but not everything. Jason Phillips: Parents really have to model that same confidence and boundaries. If mom and dad are constantly stretched thin, saying yes to everything, how can we expect our kids to do otherwise? When we model it, it's much easier for them to follow. Dr. Cam: Yeah, modeling is huge. And when we see our kids doing different things, we often need to look in the mirror and ask, "What are we modeling?" Often parents say, "My teen is amazing, but they have no self-esteem. They think they're not good at anything." How do we help them see their value when anything we say gets an eye roll? Jason Phillips: One thing I encourage is asking your teen what they could help someone else do. How could they mentor someone younger? That often builds genuine self-confidence. The second thing is to give less advice. Instead, listen more to figure out where the disconnect is. Dr. Cam: That’s so important and one of the hardest things for parents because we have so much wisdom to share, and we finally have an audience—but they don’t want to hear it. It’s frustrating. Dr. Cam: Instead of getting frustrated, be thrilled that your kid feels confident enough to figure it out on their own. That’s a plus! So, what do you think about asking your teen for advice? Jason Phillips: Yeah, it’s a huge plus. It builds trust. When you ask your teen for advice, it shows them that their thoughts are valued. It lets them know they have something insightful to add to the conversation. Teens probably have a lot of wisdom we’re not tapping into, and by listening to their advice and implementing it, it does wonders for them. Dr. Cam (15:06.54) The ability to not have to be right all the time as a parent is a real strength. I talk to kids who say, "My parents would rather die than admit they're wrong." That behavior is modeling the very fear our kids have: that you have to win. Jason Phillips (15:39.395) It gives them a voice. When we listen to our kids and ask for their input and follow what they say, it lets them know that what they say matters. Dr. Cam (16:07.726) Yeah, that is so key, and we don't have to agree with it. Jason Phillips (16:12.051) No, we don’t have to. It can start small—asking, "What do you want to eat?" or "What movie should we watch?" Not always having to control everything. Dr. Cam (16:22.595) Yeah, giving them a lot of agency is really important. Parents often say, "If I don't micromanage, they won’t do as well, and that hurts their self-esteem." But when you put the responsibility back on them, they understand they have to do things for themselves. Jason Phillips (16:59.755) It’s about building confidence. I remember my mom telling me to ask the teacher for help or ask a waiter questions. At the time, it was nerve-wracking, but it helped me advocate for myself. Dr. Cam (18:08.974) That's something really big with my daughter too. She has always been part of the conversation and voiced her thoughts, which has helped her value what she says. Jason Phillips (18:24.503) Right here. Dr. Cam (18:37.512) She’s very good at advocating for herself now. It took time, but it’s made a difference. When we say stepping back will hurt their self-confidence, it’s managing our own fears about how they’re feeling. Jason Phillips (19:12.683) Right. When you let them fail and be themselves, you're not coddling them but allowing them to learn on their own. Dr. Cam (19:50.862) Let’s talk about high-achieving teens and parents. There's a lot of pressure on parents to be high achievers too. Jason Phillips (20:11.413) Parents are often juggling too much—work, clubs, and kids’ extracurriculars—and then feel exhausted. They may not realize they’re not modeling what they want for their kids. Dr. Cam (20:14.894) What do you see with that? Jason Phillips (20:40.885) They don’t set boundaries and end up feeling burned out. When you look at their lives, they’re involved in everything—president of clubs, treasurer in groups. But they don’t have time to give 100%. They can’t model balance when they’re overwhelmed. Dr. Cam (21:42.358) Right. And parents often say, "My kid won’t do it," when it comes to sharing responsibilities. That’s another topic, but it’s important. Jason Phillips (21:54.903) Absolutely. Dr. Cam (22:10.378) There’s this belief that parents need to push, push, push, and kids should adopt that mentality too. Where does that mentality come from? Jason Phillips (22:27.287) It’s not healthy. Kids can only handle so much, and when they push back, they may act out. As adults, we can manage our emotions better, but kids don't always have the tools to do that. Dr. Cam (23:24.856) Right, we can’t make up for our past by pushing our kids to do what we didn’t get to do at their age. Jason Phillips (23:25.259) Exactly. Kids shouldn’t be expected to live out our unfulfilled dreams. Dr. Cam (24:01.046) It’s unfair because parents are taking over their kids’ lives and not letting them live their own. Jason Phillips (24:16.405) I spoke to an adult who said their parent was so overbearing with their golf that it hurt their experience. Parents were living out their dreams through their kids, and it wasn’t healthy. Dr. Cam (24:56.27) Yeah, it's tough to know where to draw the line between being involved and overstepping. How do we balance caring and supporting without taking over their lives? Jason Phillips: You can show up, but you don't have to show out. Be present for your kid’s activities, listen when they share their day, whether it's good or bad, but don't try to solve all of their issues. Overstepping happens when you try to be a part of their team or get overly involved in things at school. We’re the adults—we’ve lived through our teenage years, and they’re different from now. Step back and give them space. If you smother them, it could cause problems, even bullying. Dr. Cam: Yeah, it’s really tough. I think when we’re high achievers ourselves, we tend to extend that expectation to our kids. As parents, we see their successes as ours. So, if our kids aren’t high-achieving, straight-A, go-go-go kids, how do we not feel like we’re not pushing them hard enough? Jason Phillips: I always tell people to run your own race and stay in your own lane. Think of a track race—everyone has their own lane. If you’re looking over at someone else, you can trip up or slow down. Focus on what’s in front of you, and feel good about it. Comparing yourself and reflecting on what you didn’t do gets you into dangerous territory. Stay in your lane, run your race, and be proud of it. Dr. Cam: Yeah, staying in your lane—not just with other parents, but with your teen too. Let them run their race and cheer them on, but let them do their own thing, right? Jason Phillips: Exactly. Think back to when we were younger and our parents would comment on our music or clothes. We’d get upset, thinking they were outdated. Now, here we are, and sometimes I feel like I don’t get the music anymore. My wife teases me about it, and I admit, I’m outdated. Dr. Cam: Right, and that’s the thing. When we’re focused on what our teens are doing, we can lose focus on how we’re showing up for them. Jason Phillips: Yeah, sometimes we focus too much on living through our kids. We forget that we also need to live our own lives. When we’re confident in our careers, relationships, and identity outside of being parents, we model that for our kids. They’ll see that being a parent doesn’t mean sacrificing everything else in life. Some parents lose their social life, prayer life, and sense of self once they have kids. That’s not healthy for either the parent or the child. Dr. Cam: Right, kids don’t want you around all the time. If you’re overbearing, you risk creating an enmeshed relationship. Jason Phillips: Exactly. Kids need their space, too. Dr. Cam: Yeah, and one of the best things is when my daughter tells me, “I’m so proud of you, mom, for what you’re doing.” It’s a reminder that we’re both cheering each other on, doing our own things, rather than being too enmeshed. Jason Phillips: Yeah, it’s great when both of you are thriving in your own ways. Dr. Cam: Right, and some parents might feel they don’t have time for their own activities. But I always tell them: stop micromanaging your teen and spend some of that time doing something fun for yourself. You’ll enjoy it, and your teen will appreciate it too. Jason Phillips: Exactly. Pick one thing you used to love doing—whether it’s dancing, bowling, or reading—and do it. Show your teen that you have interests outside of them. You’ll become more interesting to them, and they’ll see you as a well-rounded person, not just a parent. Dr. Cam: Yeah, it makes you more interesting, and they’ll want to talk to you more because you have something unique to share. Kids don’t want to talk about their stuff with parents all the time—it gets tough. Dr. Cam: One last question. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down—saying things like, “I can’t do this, I’m not good at this”—how do we respond as parents? Jason Phillips: Yeah, that’s tough. Jason Phillips (32:56.663): Before we start giving them positive affirmations, I want us to build a stronger connection with that teen. You want them to be able to really open up to you and trust you. You want to be that safe space. Let me share the LOVE acronym. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down, first, listen. The L is for listen. Listen to what they're saying because there may be some disconnect. If they say they're not good at something, you can highlight all the awards and trophies, but you can’t do that first without listening. Be objective. Don’t put so much pressure on what they're saying. Don’t judge whether it’s bad or good. Listen objectively and have a neutral space. The V is for validate. You want to validate their feelings and thoughts. If they feel a certain way, don’t try to immediately take it away or say it's nonsense. Maybe they’re having a hard day or feeling insecure. Validate that with empathy. Once you do that, they’ll be in a place where they can be more vulnerable, and then you can point out what they’re missing. They might be putting a lot of pressure on themselves and thinking they're not enough. Dr. Cam (33:43.278): That’s so key. A lot of parents immediately respond with, "What do you mean? Yes, you are! You can do this. Look at all the awards!" They’re trying to give evidence that it’s not true. But what happens is they completely invalidate what the teen is saying, which often leads to the teen thinking, "You have to say that because you're my parent." If your teen says something like that or rolls their eyes, it’s a sign you need to go to the LOVE approach. Jason Phillips (34:52.022): Exactly. If someone immediately tries to combat what I say, I'll get defensive. For example, if you tell me, "Jason, that shirt is the best shirt I've ever seen," I’d probably say, "No, it's not. I have better ones." High achievers are often not great at accepting compliments. We point out our imperfections. Dr. Cam (35:28.396): That brings up another point. Many people mistake humility for putting themselves down. We're taught that the proper way to talk about ourselves is to put ourselves down. This creates a cycle of low self-esteem. How do we help teens see the good in themselves without making them feel like they’re becoming egotistical? Jason Phillips (36:35.413): Two things I would suggest: First, understand where it’s coming from. For instance, if you hear your child say something like, "I'm so stupid" or "I keep messing up," ask them, "What makes you say that?" Help them walk through how they arrived at that conclusion. Don’t dismiss their feelings; instead, try to understand the reasoning behind it. Secondly, encourage them to practice saying good things about themselves. It’s like an elevator pitch where they get to talk about themselves in a positive way. We're often uncomfortable because we’ve never been taught to do it. We're so used to others speaking highly of us, but we haven’t taken the time to say something positive about ourselves. It's not bragging; it's just being honest. Dr. Cam (38:27.426): That’s so important. Instead of saying, "I'm proud of you," I say, "You must be so proud of yourself." The focus is on them feeling proud of their own achievements, not just making me proud. This helps them take ownership of their success. Jason Phillips (38:33.495): It’s the idea of, "I want you to take care of you for me, and I’ll take care of me for you." Dr. Cam (39:03.671): That’s a great way to end. Parents, that's beautiful advice. Jason, how can people find you? Jason Phillips (39:13.089): They can find me on all social platforms at @JPhillipsMSW. My website is jasonlphillips.com. I also have a free confidence guide at stepstoconfidence.com, and they can listen to my podcast, the Peace and Prosperity podcast, available on Apple, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts. Dr. Cam (39:25.792): Thank you so much for joining us today, Jason. Jason Phillips (39:47.72): Thanks, Dr. Cam. Appreciate you having me. #HighAchievingTeens #TeenConfidence #SelfDoubt #ParentingTeens #TeenMentalHealth #AcademicPressure #ParentTeenRelationships #TeenDevelopment #DrCam #TheTeenTranslator #TeenBurnout #ImposterSyndrome #Validation #Resilience #TeenAnxiety

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  40:24
• How to Support Your LGBTQ+ Teen with Pride and Compassion

  In this heartfelt and insightful episode, Dr. Cam sits down with Heather Hester, founder of Chrysalis Mama and host of the "Just Breathe" podcast, to discuss the journey of parenting an LGBTQ+ teen. Heather shares her personal experience with her son Connor’s coming out at 16 and how it inspired her mission to support parents of LGBTQ+ teens. In this conversation, Heather offers valuable advice on how to navigate your emotions, avoid common pitfalls, and create a safe, inclusive space for your teen. What You'll Learn in This Episode: Why your LGBTQ+ teen is often already sure of their identity when they come out—and what that means for you as a parent. The #1 question you should never ask your LGBTQ+ teen (and what to ask instead). How to support your LGBTQ+ teen through their coming out journey without unintentionally causing harm. Why your teen’s social media activity isn’t “influencing” their identity, but rather helping them find community and support. The importance of processing your own emotions with trusted friends or professionals, rather than relying on your teen for emotional support. Tune in to learn how to embrace your role as an ally and supportive parent in your teen’s journey of self-discovery and identity.   Enjoying the Show? Help others discover this episode by leaving a rating and review! Your feedback means the world to me and allows us to bring even more valuable insights to parents like you. Don’t forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫    Resources Mentioned in This Episode: Podcast: Just Breathe, Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen (available on all podcast platforms) PFLAG: https://pflag.org/ Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ GLAAD: https://glaad.org/   Connect with Heather: Website: https://chrysalismama.com Instagram: @chrysalismama TikTok: @chrysalismama   Connect with Dr. Cam Website: AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell TikTok: @the.teen.translator YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Facebook: @DrCamCaswell   About the Show: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.   FULL TRANSCRIPT Dr. Cam (00:02.402) Welcome back, parents. Raising a teen is tough, but raising an LGBTQ+ teen comes with its own unique challenges. How do you create a safe, supportive space where your teen feels seen, heard, and empowered? Today, I'm joined by Heather Hester, founder of Chrysalis Mama and host of the Just Breathe podcast. With two LGBTQ+ kids of her own, Heather understands the importance of showing up with love, unlearning bias, and embracing the messy journey of parenting with pride. Hi, Heather. Heather Hester (00:44.509) Hi, it's great to be here. Thank you for having me. Dr. Cam (00:47.016) Of course! I love starting with a backstory. What inspired you to support parents of LGBTQ+ children? Heather Hester (01:03.539) The short answer is having one, then two of my own. When my first came out, it was eight years ago—time flies. He was 16, the oldest of four, and we had no idea it was coming. The first 18 months were really rocky for him and for us. We struggled to find resources and support. Once we got through that, I realized that there were thousands of other families going through the same thing. I had to do something about it. So, I started a website to share the resources I found, like PFLAG, the Trevor Project, GLAAD, and others. From there, it grew. When he graduated and was about to go to college, I thought starting a podcast might help reach more people, and it’s been such a rewarding experience. Dr. Cam (03:14.955) That's amazing. Heather Hester (03:26.227) The podcast has allowed me to connect people with wisdom to an audience of parents and allies hungry for information. Dr. Cam (03:42.338) I love that. Turning your story into help for others is so powerful. What went through your mind when your son first came out? Heather Hester (03:57.507) It was a defining moment. My son came out in a dramatic way, running away while my husband and I were out of town. It was terrifying. I had been raised in a very conservative Christian home, so my initial reaction was, "There's no way my child is going to hell." That led to the realization that I had a lot to learn. The first thing my husband and I did was ask, "What does he need from us?" We had no idea where to begin. The first 30 minutes were a blur, and we realized we were completely underprepared. Dr. Cam (05:55.096) What advice can you offer parents just starting on this journey? Heather Hester (06:15.399) We tend to overcomplicate things, but the most important thing is to show your child unconditional love. They need to know we’ve got their back no matter what. Everything else comes from that space. Heather Hester (she/her) (15:03.131) Yes, that’s a very common concern. I have two thoughts on that. First, it’s great that our kids now have access to find their people. When we were growing up, the reason many of our peers didn’t come out was because they didn’t know where to find others like them. They didn’t know who was safe to talk to or come out to. Now, with social media, they have that access. Dr. Cam (15:38.51) All those connections. Heather Hester (she/her) (15:38.51) Exactly. It can be a double-edged sword, though. Yes, social media has its dangers, but this access allows kids to find the communities they need. It helps them connect with others who understand their experience, even if those connections are online at first. Dr. Cam (15:56.036) Right, and I think that fear parents have of social media influencing their child to "join a trend" is more rooted in a misunderstanding. It’s not about jumping on a bandwagon—it’s about their child coming to terms with who they’ve always been, just having the words or the space to express it now. Heather Hester (16:14.001) Yes, exactly. And it’s important to remember that when a child comes out, they’ve often been thinking about it for a long time. They’ve already processed it in ways we may not have been aware of. And when they finally open up, they’re not looking for validation or attention—they just want to be seen for who they truly are. Dr. Cam (16:28.365) Right. The idea of this being a "phase" can be damaging. It diminishes their experience and makes them question themselves. That’s why it’s so crucial for parents to approach this with openness, trust, and patience. Heather Hester (16:42.303) Exactly. The last thing they need is for us to minimize their experience. They’re already dealing with a lot, and our job is to support them, not make them feel like they have to prove themselves our kids are able to find community and they are able to look at others and say, like they see representation, they see themselves and they're like, that's how I feel on the inside. Like I'm not alone in feeling that way. And so it's very validating for who they are and it helps give them the courage then to come out to you, right? To come to you and say, this is who I am, right? I had another thought on that and now it's going away. I'll have to circle back to that.     Dr. Cam (16:35.182) One thing as you, yeah, one thing when you're thinking about that too, and I think we find, I actually think that's a bigger plus of the social media talking to teens. A lot of them have found that that has actually saved their lives because they have found community and support where they can't find it in real life. The other thing is from what I hear too is that it's not that they come to them and change their mind. It's that they find the people that they relate to and then explain who they are. And that's why they're drawn. So parents see it as a cause this way. And really it's a cause of I'm finding you because I already feel this way. And now you're explaining to me how I feel and showing that I'm not alone and that there's others like me. And so you're not changing me. You're helping me accept me. And that's what I see a lot.   Heather Hester (she/her) (17:05.885) Correct. Correct. That is a thousand percent correct. And that was so beautifully the way you just said that was perfect because that is it. That is it. I kids are, and I think about, know, even going back to Connor, which was 2017, a while ago, but that he was out there because he felt he couldn't come to us. He was so scared to say anything to anyone that he was looking things up. He was trying to get answers to the questions of, this is how I'm feeling. And we want to be part of that process because the flip side is there are a lot of dangerous things out there. There are a lot of dangerous people out there who are preying on our kids. So if we are not having these conversations with them and and acknowledging like, this is actually a great thing that you've found this community and you've found these people where you do feel like it is so validating of who you are and where you can ask questions because there are a lot of questions that we can't answer as cisgendered, know, straight people. So that is a great, great thing. And we want to make sure it's safe. So that's, again, a reason to have that open communication to encourage like, okay, hey, I'm learning right along with you and I want to know and this isn't a bad thing at all.   Dr. Cam (18:59.554) Yeah, I think as you're saying this, we come from a place of wanting to keep them safe by trying to talk them out of it. When that is actually shutting them down and in a way becoming their number one bully because we're turning away who they are. And it prevents us from being able to help protect them because now they don't trust us. Rather than saying, okay, this is who you are. How do you be who you are out in the world? and how do you keep yourself as you out in the world? And one thing you will always, always know is that I've got your back. And man, that is what helps kids make it through mentally because we go, my gosh, this has such a negative impact on their mental health. Well, the number one reason is when their parents reject them is why. So if we accept them, we can help them become more resilient.   Heather Hester (she/her) (19:50.003) Correct. Correct.   Dr. Cam (19:56.472) to the people that aren't gonna accept him. And yeah, there's gonna be a lot of people out there that are going to be cruel. We just don't wanna be one of them.   Heather Hester (she/her) (20:03.751) Yes, correct, correct. And realizing our speech, there's a lot of work that goes into changing our speech and the words that we use that we don't even realize are hurtful or harmful. And I think that can be very difficult to, there's a lot of work that we have to do as parents and unlearning some of those,   Heather Hester (she/her) (20:32.487) very deeply ingrained either beliefs or slang that we use, all of these things that we now, it is very important to your point to be aware of, to shift so that we aren't that bully, so we aren't that reason that our child is struggling with mental health because...they do have the world that's gonna come at them. So they need their home, their parents, their people to be, this needs to be like the safety nest, like 100,000 % safe, open, and just this warm, cozy place that they learn then how to build the resilience and build those tools that they're gonna need to go out in the world and handle all the things that come at them.   Dr. Cam (21:33.142) Yeah. And I think, and we mentioned before, and I'm like replaying stuff that has happened, you know, in my life as well with being curious and wanting to show support without question, but also being a little selfish in asking questions and depending on them to relay my, to inform me and to educate me and being offended if they took what I said the wrong way and saying, well, that's not what I meant, rather than going, let me go learn as much as I can. And let me ask you if I can ask questions, because I do have questions that I want to understand. And also making it all about that. And all of a sudden, was their identity became just about that for a while while we settled in. which was unfair and I'm glad we're past that point where that's not the identity. But it was for a long time and I feel bad about that because I know a lot of it was me because of my curiosity. So how do we support them, show them we support them, but allow them to be them without making it all of it? You know what I'm saying? Yeah.   Heather Hester (she/her) (22:54.503) All of it, yeah, absolutely, 100 % of their identity, absolutely. Well, I think you already really kind of hit the really important parts, which are go do your own work, go do your own learning, figure out the places. There's so many books, websites, articles, professionals that are factual. And that's also another very important piece of this is really that I've worked really hard these past eight years to like the facts. Like that's what I've been, I just want to know what is factual, what is true, what is correct, because there is a lot of stuff out there, right? So doing that work on your own. And then again, to your point, coming to them and asking, you know, saying, I have been learning, I've been reading, and I have questions.   Heather Hester (she/her) (23:49.619) Is it okay if I ask you the questions? Are you okay with answering some questions? I know it's kind of weird. Whatever your, I mean, your relationship is going to shift and grow in a way that you never imagined it would, I promise you, and in such a great positive way. I will also say that it is very normal for both your child and for you to go, there is a piece of this like, coming out process that is the identity is 100%. They are gay, are bi, they are non-binary, are fill in the blank, right? And that is super normal that there is a time where everything revolves around that because they're trying to get their footing and we're trying to get our footing. I think the fine line in there, the happy space in there is that we're allowing them to kind of bounce around and do their figuring out. And while also knowing that we are a safe space for them to come to that we are happy to get the supports in place that they need. Right. And we are doing our own work. Right. So they're not failing this extra like, I've got to take care of mom. Like mom's going to come ask me a hundred questions today. You know, that whole, we do not want that. Dr. Cam (25:13.76) Yeah, I think the big one and I know what helped me a lot was to focus more on the nephew I've always known and the person I've always known rather than this new piece of identity, but focus on them. And so that is really, and it was hard at first because it was hard to see past this new, because my mind had to shift. a lot and old brains are harder to shift. My daughter used to get so mad at me because I would muggle up and just use the wrong pronouns all the time and my daughter would get so mad at me because she changed like that. I'm like, I'm struggling. I'm trying so hard. And so I said to my nephew, I go, please, I'm going to mess up. I know I'm going to mess up.   Heather Hester (she/her) (26:08.093) Absolutely.   Dr. Cam (26:10.488) pointed out and they said, he said, just don't make a big deal out of it when you do. Like you don't have to make a big deal out of it. Just go on and it's fine. Because I would be like, my God, I'm so sorry. And they're like, don't, don't, just go on. Heather Hester (she/her) (26:24.691) Right. Exactly. Yeah, that's exactly, exactly right. And I think people are, you know, they would much rather that we try and make mistakes and, you know, mess up than not try at all, then just shut down, then just like be so afraid of, and they are, especially if they're teenagers, they're going to get impatient and they're going to snap at us, but they're going to do that regardless. Like this isn't,   Dr. Cam (26:54.744) Wow.   Heather Hester (she/her) (26:54.757) because they're gay, they're snapping at us because they're teenagers and that's what teenagers do. Exactly, like this is, they are learning all of these developmentally like things that every teenager goes through, Developmentally. And on top of that, they're learning how to manage their sexual orientation or their gender identity on top of that. So there's a lot going on.   Dr. Cam (27:01.518) They're learning to regulate their emotions.   Heather Hester (she/her) (27:23.505) that holding space for that and allowing them just to be messy and all of that is really important and such a great thing. like it's not a lot, but it is so much to be able to do that. And you had said something about at the beginning of that.   Heather Hester (she/her) (27:54.481) I don't remember what it was. It was something that triggered a thought, but it was so good on how to respond and how to kind of, guess, again, hold space for your person and just recognize that they are growing and changing and going through all of these things all at once. So not being overly sensitive to, yeah.   Dr. Cam (28:05.677) I was gonna say because the other thing is, and I was talking about the pronouns, there's pronouns, name changes, the pronouns went through a phase of different, like there was a phase of different pronouns being used and things like that and names and things like that. And parents I see will roll their eyes, they'll get offended, well that's the name I gave you, I'm not gonna change that, that I'm mourning the loss of.   Heather Hester (she/her) (28:38.023) Yes.   Dr. Cam (28:50.488) How do we navigate and those feelings are real and that sense of loss is real. You raised a straight boy for years and now all of a sudden your child is not a straight boy, right? And so you do mourn the loss of that and what your, but it's not a loss of your child. It's a loss of your expectations of that child. So let's be real first of all.   Heather Hester (she/her) (28:57.318) Absolutely.   Dr. Cam (29:19.884) Those expectations were not fair and might not have lived out anyway. So how do we let go of these expectations in that feeling of loss without putting it on our kids?   Heather Hester (she/her) (29:24.083) Correct.   Heather Hester (she/her) (29:34.503) Mm-hmm. Yes. So completely normal. And I think absolutely necessary, actually, to go through, I call it the movie reel, the explosion of the movie reel, because that's how I visualized it in my head when I realized what was going on. And it is such a normal thing that a parent needs to go through, again, with a professional, with trusted adult with a friend, not with their child. This is not their stuff. This is not about them. This is about your stuff, right? And it's valid stuff. It's very valid. Yes, you did name your child that. Yes, you did, you know, use the pronouns he. And now your child wants to use the pronouns they or she or he, she, they, or it is fluid. And here's, and this is the other thing that I thought of a little bit ago is the idea of being fluid, whether it's, you whether it is with gender or with sexuality. It is something that our kids are able, and first of all, something that has been since the beginning of time. So this is not a new thing that has just popped up in the past five years. This has been historically documented since the beginning of time. Second, our kids are so good at just rolling with it. We and our generation and I think generations kind of around us are so connected to the binary and so connected to being able to check a box and really connected to these finite ideas, whereas our kids are not. And so for them, it's not that they're changing their mind. It's not that they're making a choice. It's not these things that are like very concrete ideas in our brains, they are able to really explore the possibilities of like, I'm feeling this, like this is what I'm connecting with. This does not really have a name or a label or a thing. So I'm gonna try to connect it to something you understand, adult person in my life, right? And so there is that kind of... Heather Hester (she/her) (32:00.165) what seems like a breakdown in communication, but they are really actually trying to communicate as best they can their experience. And so it becomes again for us, another layer of the work to, and this was a hard one for me. Like this took a lot of, not that I was like angry or mad about it, but just like realizing how much of this was stuck in there of Heather Hester (she/her) (32:29.465) of the binary of needing to have a box of being like, you know, kind of bumping back up against stuff and being like, why is this stuck in my vernacular? Like, why do I keep defaulting to this, you know, using these three words over here? So give yourself some grace knowing that this this isn't something that you just decide, well, I'm going to do the work, which Bravo, thank you. But know that that work is going to take time and you are going to mess up and you are going to make mistakes. And you're going to have to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off and be like, all right, I'm just going to keep doing this because I want to show up for my kid. I want to show up for the people in my life who I love. I want to keep evolving as a human being.   Dr. Cam (33:14.794) Sorry, I think what is very difficult to is when and you were talking about, know the boxes We do as adults get very set in social norms and a lot of them are social norms We fought against when we were younger Before we were like set in stone that this is the way it needs to be and now we're trying very hard to Mold and box our kids up into social norms that we have accepted   Dr. Cam (33:41.954) which by the way have changed drastically over the years and will continue to change drastically. So they are not law, they are social norms, but we are so stuck to them that we are sure we are right. And we are so convinced and we choose social norms, things that have been told to us that are different all over the world, but we choose those over listening and believing our kids.   Heather Hester (she/her) (33:47.005) Yes.   Dr. Cam (34:10.606) accepting our kids for who they are. And I think we need to really look at our social norms more important to us than our kids and allowing them to be their authentic selves. And some people I know are going to choose social norms. And I get that there are people that just are not able to let go of that. But for the people that can look at and accept their kids and want their kids to be authentically real because all of us want our kids to be happy. Kids are not going to be happy molding themselves to try to fit social norms that they don't fit into. They are going to be happy being accepted for who they are.   Heather Hester (she/her) (34:39.527) Yeah. Right. And I would say to that point, our kids, their, and kids just from all of time want to make their parents happy. They want, they want the love of their parents, right? So they're going to do whatever they can to get that love. So if, you know, people are saying, well, my child did do what I told them to do, or did, you know, say, well, it was a choice or it was a phase or it was this.   Dr. Cam (35:01.195) gosh, 100%.   Heather Hester (she/her) (35:20.059) I have to stop and question that because how much of that was your child wanting to be loved? And I say that coming from a place of I did that for the greater part of 35 years of my life wanting that from my parents, right? So like twisting myself and knots and knots and knots until I realized like, no, like that doesn't that's not who I am, that doesn't work for me. And then having to do all the work to untwist, right? And knowing that that is also possible, right? That that is possible to do.   Heather Hester (she/her) (36:01.445) our child, our children. just need us to love them unconditionally for who they are. And yes, that might cause you some discomfort. And yes, that might cause fractures in other relationships in your lives or a separation from societal norms that you are comfortable with. But it's something that I really encourage people to sit with and think about at the end of the day. What is more important, having that relationship with your child, being able to have your child walk into the world as who they authentically are now instead of 20 years from now or 30 years from now? What is most important to you? And really examining that. that takes courage to do that.   Dr. Cam (37:02.382) It takes a lot of courage and I think there there's definitely a piece where people feel like well, this isn't the kid I wanted I wanted a This kid or I wanted a this kid and you know I'm trying to make them into this kid because that's what I wanted and I think that is a very unfair thing because you're given the kid that you're given just as they are given the parent that they are given and   Heather Hester (she/her) (37:27.997) Right, exactly.   Dr. Cam (37:30.71) You are the parent that they were given. So our goal is to be the best parent for them that we can be if we want to be, you know, and I think that's hard for a lot of, it is, it's hard for a lot of people to accept this is the child that I have.   Heather Hester (she/her) (37:38.043) Exactly.   Heather Hester (she/her) (37:47.891) Yeah, yeah. Well, and I think there are two, you know, it is very, very difficult and I'm kind of trying to take a moment with that to respond wisely.   Heather Hester (she/her) (38:04.519) because I see such an opportunity in that for growth. Not only within allowing your child to really show up in the world as who they are, but for you to be able to pause and say, a second, like this is actually really cool. Look how much I can learn about this over here that I never even imagined I would have the opportunity to learn about in such an up close and personal way. Look at, you know, the direction that this is moving my life, right, in a way that I never imagined that it would move. And, you know, again, to your point, I do understand that it is difficult to let go of the expectation but it's also kind of what we sign up for when we decide to become parents is.   Dr. Cam (39:12.494) I think what I'm finding too is the movie that we create for our kids future, right? Which we may do based on what we want. A, no matter what, there's no guarantee any of that's gonna ever happen. So we need to stop trying to get our kids to play out the role that we've created for them. I think also when we let it play out, it goes beyond anything we are capable of imagining.   Heather Hester (she/her) (39:34.685) Correct.   Dr. Cam (39:42.446) And I just see all of the kids, my daughter and my nieces and my nephews living a life that would never have been any of it, what I specifically would have imagined for them. they're so much better than what I came up with, right? And they're doing beautifully and they're authentic and happy and they still struggle and there's still things that are problems and their life is not perfect because God doesn't want, we don't have perfect lives.   Dr. Cam (40:11.65) They still have a lot of those, but that's part of the life and the fact that they all are able to turn to one another and to us. And there's a support system there that no matter what they go through, they know they've got people behind them is the most magical thing that I can see with the family.   Heather Hester (she/her) (40:33.233) Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I think there's that piece of realizing that control is an illusion. And so the fact that we think we can control our kids and we can control the outcome of their lives is not, right? So the sooner we realize like, we have these little beings and like,   What are their passions? What do they love? What do they want to, you what did they, how do they see the world? Right? What are they imagining? And, you know, exactly to your point and kind of at the same time, allowing that movie reel we created, it needs to fall apart. It needs to fall away. So doing the work that we have to do to be like, okay, yeah, I did create that. And I, I really did love that outcome for whatever reason. Heather Hester (she/her) (41:28.369) those things for whatever reason. And I'm gonna be okay with letting it go because I see my kid over here and my gosh, they're so happy. And they're so just like experiencing life in a way that I never imagined it could be experienced. they're human, they're human, right? So they're having the whole human experience.   Heather Hester (she/her) (41:54.991) And which means there are gonna always be struggles, there are gonna always be peaks and valleys and all of that because that's part of being human.   Dr. Cam (42:04.652) Yeah, I think that's the biggest thing. job is not to protect them from themselves or from the world. Our job is to support them and let them know they can handle whatever comes their way. And we're going to be there for them.   Heather Hester (she/her) (42:17.195) Exactly. Yep. Teaching resilience, teaching, you know, yeah, that they can do this. They can go out there in that big world and do it. you know, at the of the day, we're always here to be a listening ear, to do what needs to be done, right?   Dr. Cam (42:39.118) So Heather, how do people find you, particularly if they're looking for support?   Heather Hester (she/her) (42:46.083) Absolutely. Yes. So I, my website is the best way to find me. You can contact me right through there through the contact page. It's chrysalismama.com, which is C-H-R-Y-S-A-L-I-S-M-A-M-A.com. My   I think that is really the best way that you can find me. The podcast is Just Breathe, Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, and that is everywhere podcasts are. So that is a good way just to listen in. But yes, reaching out to me directly. I love when people reach out. I love talking with other parents and working with other parents. so bring it on.   Dr. Cam (43:32.97) I love it. And what is the one takeaway you want parents to have from this conversation?   Heather Hester (she/her) (43:39.685) my goodness. I think kind of the thread we have been pulling this entire time, which is it doesn't need to be difficult. Just love them, love them unconditionally and really embracing and understanding that that meaning of unconditional love and just holding that space for them. Yeah.   Dr. Cam (44:05.824) I love it. Thank you so much for joining us, Heather.   Heather Hester (she/her) (44:08.989) Thank you so much for having me.   Dr. Cam (44:10.91) Absolutely.  

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  44:29
• "Mom, I Want to Die": A Mother's Raw Journey Through Teen Depression

  In this eye-opening episode, Dr. Cam and Jamie Edelbrock dive into the raw realities of parenting, from navigating a child’s anxiety and depression to battling parental guilt. Jamie shares her personal journey of advocacy, trust, and letting go, revealing the power of connection over control.  Learn how to balance guidance with independence, prioritize your own well-being, and create a safe space for your child to be their authentic self. This is the conversation every parent needs to hear!  MEET JAMIE EDELBROCK Jamie Edelbrock is an award-winning author, speaker, and passionate advocate for children’s mental health. A homeschool mom, she uses her personal and professional experiences to empower parents and caregivers. Her books, including Tangled Up and Be the Sparkle, offer insight and encouragement for families navigating mental health challenges. Jamie’s writings have been featured on RedTri.com, Parentology.com, ParentingHealthy.com, Swaay.com, and many more. CONNECT WITH JAMIE Website: jamieedelbrock.com/ Instagram: @tangledupbook/   CONNECT WITH DR. CAM Website:  AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell    ABOUT THE SHOW: The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast: Your Guide to Navigating Adolescence Without the Drama. Hosted by Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, an adolescent psychologist specializing in empowering parents and nurturing teen development. In each episode, she partners with a guest expert to deliver invaluable insights and practical advice for building a closer relationship with your teen & finding joy amidst the challenges Whether you're an experienced parent looking to enhance your teenager's mental well-being and strengthen your connection, or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen.    #ParentingTeens #Podcast #teenagers #parentingpodcast #TeenMentalHealth   #MentalHealthAwareness #drcamcaswell #theteentranslator  

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  59:55
• How to Overcome Co-Parenting Conflicts & Create a Stronger Parenting Team

  Co-parenting can feel like a constant battle when parenting styles clash. But what if you could turn conflict into collaboration and create a more unified, supportive family dynamic? In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, I sit down with parenting coaches Kyle & Sarah Wester from The Art of Raising Humans to discuss: ✅ How open communication reduces co-parenting tension ✅ Why personal accountability transforms family relationships ✅ The power of aligning parenting goals for a healthier home ✅ Strategies to model respect, resilience, and self-control for your kids With real-life stories and actionable strategies, we uncover how small shifts in mindset and communication can lead to big breakthroughs in your parenting partnership. 🎧 Tune in now to start transforming co-parenting challenges into connection!   Connect with The Westers Website Artofraisinghumans.com Facebook: @artofraisinghumans Instagram: @artofraisinghumans YouTube: @artofraisinghumans   Connect with Dr. Cam Website:  AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell YouTube: @ParentingTeensWithDrCam   Resources Mentioned in This Episode FREE WORKBOOK: Parenting Together: artofraisinghumans.com/together    Please like and subscribe! Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others would appreciate the guidance and encouragement, please take a quick moment to rate and review. Reviews from my listeners are extremely valuable and greatly appreciated.  And don't forget to subscribe to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes!   ABOUT THE SHOW: The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast Your Ultimate Guide to Navigating Teenagers, Strengthening Connections & Supporting Teen Mental Health Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist with years of experience in empowering parents and nurturing teen development, the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast offers practical advice and actionable strategies for building a stronger relationship with your teen and navigating the challenges of adolescence with confidence. Each episode features expert insights on key topics like teen mental health, parenting strategies, communication tips, and teen development. Dr. Cam and her expert guests tackle real-world issues that help you connect with your teen, foster emotional well-being, and find joy in the journey of parenting teenagers. Whether you're an experienced parent or new to the world of raising teens, this podcast is your go-to resource for growing your teen's resilience, supporting their mental health, and creating a peaceful, positive home environment.

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  50:01
• How to Talk Politics with Your Teen (Without the Arguments & Eye Rolls!)

  Have you ever tried talking politics with your teen, only for it to spiral into a heated argument—or leave you wondering, “Where did they even get these ideas?!” It’s frustrating when their opinions feel so different from your own, and you worry they might be heading down the wrong path. But, no matter how hard you try to talk reason into them, nothing seems to get through. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone—I hear this from parents all the time. So, what can you do? 🤔 Fortunately, I have Lindsey Cormack, an Associate Professor of Political Science with me today. Lindsey specializes in helping teens think critically and engage thoughtfully with the world around them. She’s even written the book on it: How to Raise a Citizen. Lindsey is here to share practical strategies to turn those tricky political conversations into meaningful—and maybe even peaceful—discussions.    Connect with Lindsey Website:  www.howtoraiseacitizen.com Facebook: @lindsey.cormack Instagram: @howtoraiseacitizen LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lindseycormack/ X: @DCInbox   Connect with Dr. Cam Website:  AskDrCam.com Instagram: @DrCamCaswell Tik Tok: @the.teen.translator     ABOUT THE SHOW: The 'Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam' Podcast: Your Guide to Navigating Adolescence Without the Drama. Hosted by Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, an adolescent psychologist specializing in empowering parents and nurturing teen development. In each episode, she partners with a guest expert to deliver invaluable insights and practical advice for building a closer relationship with your teen & finding joy amidst the challenges Whether you're an experienced parent looking to enhance your teenager's mental well-being and strengthen your connection, or a newcomer to the world of adolescence, this podcast is a must-listen.   #ParentingTeens  #Podcast #teenagers #parentingpodcast #TeenMentalHealth   #MentalHealthAwareness #drcamcaswell #theteentranslator

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  23:34

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