208 Relationship Anarchy: Tailor-Making ALL Your Relationships with Annie Undone
Relationship structures don't have to follow a script. Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, you can intentionally design all your relationships to fit exactly who's in them. But what does that actually look like in practice?In this episode, we welcome Annie Undone, a non-binary queer writer whose journey through various relationship styles offers powerful insights into relating. Annie shares their evolution from monogamy to polyamory to relationship anarchy, demonstrating how deconstructing societal expectations can lead to more authentic relationships across all domains of life.We dive deep into what relationship anarchy truly means (spoiler: it's not just about romantic relationships!) and how this framework can benefit everyone—polyamorous or not—by challenging the assumptions we've internalized about how relationships "should" work.In this episode, we talk about:— Annie's personal journey from monogamy through polyamory to relationship anarchy— The simple yet profound definition of relationship anarchy— How to deconstruct heteronormativity and mononormativity in your relationships— Why relationship anarchy can be beneficial even for monogamous couples— The importance of asking "Do I want this, or do I think I should want this?" when examining relationship expectations— How mononormativity can sneak back in even when we think we've moved beyond it— The value of intergenerational relationships and challenging ageism in our communities— Why coming out to family members about non-monogamy might be less complicated than you fear— The challenges of perfectionism in polyamorous communities— How relationship anarchy creates space for aromantic and asexual people in non-monogamous communities— Why symmetry in relationships isn't always the goal (and can sometimes be inherently unfair)— The ongoing nature of relationship deconstruction as a lifelong processResources mentioned in this episode:— Annie’s Instagram— Annie's Patreon— Annie's new e-book, On Polyamory— Book a one-to-one peer support session with AnnieJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.comLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
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207 Turning Goals into Self-Agreements
If you’ve been a PWF listener for a while, you know that we love self-agreements. Creating self-agreements based on your goals may sound like a simple process, but we find that some big questions often come up along the way.To answer this week’s listener question, we’re diving deep into value and accountability systems, and we’re giving you practical exercises you can use to uncover your desires and create agreements that actually work for you instead of against you.In this episode, we talk about:— Why all agreements ultimately start as agreements with yourself— The importance of getting explicit about what you actually want versus what you think you "should" want— How to use desire excavation to uncover your true motivations— The power of using verbs in your agreements to make them actionable— Understanding and implementing both natural and manufactured consequences of not following through— Building in rewards and reinforcement for meeting your agreements— Creating support scaffolding through accountability partners, apps, and community— Why perfectionism sabotages agreements and how "daily-ish" can be more effective than rigid expectations— Identifying and removing friction points that get in the way of keeping agreements— Using creative problem-solving to make agreements easier to keep— How keeping agreements with yourself builds self-esteem, integrity, and resilience— The importance of aligning your agreements with your core valuesResources mentioned in this episode:— Oliver Burkeman's book Four Thousand WeeksJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.comLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
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206 The Grief of Jealousy
Jealousy and grief are deeply intertwined emotions. When we experience jealousy, we're experiencing a form of loss—whether it's the loss of attention, time, or even an imagined future–and often grief is hiding just beneath the surface of these experiences. Understanding this connection can help us navigate the complex emotional landscape of non-monogamy with more compassion for ourselves and our partners.In this episode, we talk about:— The concept of "ambiguous grief" and how it relates to jealousy in non-monogamous relationships— Why jealousy often contains elements of grief, especially when we're experiencing changes in relationship dynamics— How anticipatory grief works when we imagine potential losses before they happen— The difference between grieving (the emotion) and mourning (the actions we take to process loss)— Why jealousy can be viewed as an opportunity for appreciation rather than just a painful emotion to endure— How jealousy can help us recognize what we truly value in our relationships— The ways our personal triggers and vulnerabilities influence which aspects of jealousy hit us hardest— Why the cultural conversation around jealousy needs to be much richer and more nuanced— The value of sitting with jealousy rather than immediately trying to eliminate it— How comparing ourselves to metamours can introduce envy into an already complex emotional mix— The importance of learning how to mourn ambiguous losses in relationshipsResources mentioned in this episode:— Joli's Recommended Reading List— The Jealousy Resource Center— The YouTube Playing With Fire Jealousy playlistJOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.comLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
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205 Hierarchy or Priority?
Hierarchy in non-monogamous relationships can be one of the most divisive topics in our community. Some people proudly claim they want a hierarchy in their relationships, while others see the word as an immediate red flag. But what's really going on beneath the surface? What are we actually trying to communicate when we talk about relationship hierarchies?In this episode, we dive deep into the nuances of hierarchy, exploring not just what the word means, but what people are truly seeking when they use it. We unpack how power dynamics inevitably enter the conversation, whether explicitly mentioned or not, and how our childhood wounds and need for safety often drive our desire for relationship structures that feel secure and predictable.This week, we’re unpacking:— The split in the non-monogamy community around hierarchical relationship structures— How dictionary definitions of hierarchy often include power dynamics that many people overlook— The difference between wanting to feel important versus having power over others' decisions— Why we often default to hierarchical thinking when we're feeling confused or unsafe— How our desire for safety and predictability drives us toward simplified relationship structures— The painful reality that we can never truly know what tomorrow will bring, regardless of our agreements— Personal stories of how hierarchical dynamics played out in real-life emergency situations— How our inner child parts influence our desire for certainty and safety in relationships— The importance of examining what's actually underneath our desire for hierarchy or primacy— Why the language we choose matters, and how to be more intentional about the words we use to describe our relationships— The value of understanding our own relationship to power when designing our relationship structuresJOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.comLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
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204 Liminality: Your Key to Relationship Paradigm Shifting
When we step out of one relationship paradigm, phase, or stage and into another, we often find ourselves in a strange, uncomfortable space—neither here nor there. This space has a name: liminality. From the Latin word "limen" meaning threshold, liminality describes that crucial period between what was and what will be. It's not just a moment of crossing over; it's an extended time of uncertainty, possibility, and transformation.Liminality exists in all facets of life, but for those of us exploring non-monogamy, these in-between periods can show up quite frequently and pose a number of unique challenges. We often want to rush through it, desperate to find solid ground again. But what if those uncomfortable spaces are exactly where the most important growth happens?In this episode, we talk about:— What liminality actually means and why it's such an important concept for understanding relationship transitions— Why the in-between state is so uncomfortable yet necessary for genuine paradigm shifts— How rushing through liminal periods can prevent us from truly reimagining our relationships— The common mistake of carrying old relationship paradigms into new relationship structures— Practical ways to intentionally create and navigate liminal space in your relationships— How small changes in habits and environment can help shift your perspective during transitions— The connection between differentiation practice and creating healthy liminal experiences— Why the discomfort of "not knowing" is essential for personal growth and transformation— Real examples of liminal periods we all experience, from adolescence to career transitions to relationship changes— The value of creating intentional containers for your liminal experiences, whether it's a week, month, year, or longerResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 194: Reimagining RelationshipsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.comLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love.
We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity.
Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
Brasil