Handful of Leaves | Mindfulness & Buddhism in Everyday Life

She raised her son while trying not to drown — fighting teachers, fighting her husband, fighting to keep her family afloat, and never once seeming happy. Years later, both mother and son would leave their old lives behind and ordain. In this raw conversation, Phra Anand traces his mother's journey from a decade of failed meditation teachers to the one who finally taught her wisdom before technique — and how watching her transform set him on the same path.In this episode:- Growing up in a "perfect" outside family that was a volcano inside the house- Why kids who are obsessed with their friends are often just avoiding an unhappy home- The rock-in-the-mouth story: why anger "tricks" never actually fix anger- The teaching that changed everything — "there's no finish line except in fixing yourself"- How his mother's transformation put both of them on the path to ordination- Learning that everyone has the right to their own choices — and their own consequences---About the Teacher 🧘 Phra Anandapanyo (Anandapanyo Bhikkhu)Anandapanyo Bhikkhu was born and raised in San Francisco to a Thai immigrant family, fluent in both Thai and English from childhood. Before ordaining, he earned a degree in Electrical Engineering from UC Santa Barbara and later pursued a Master's degree at San Francisco State University while helping run the family business.For ten years as a layperson, starting in 1999, he trained directly under Ācariya Thoon Khippapañño and one of Thoon's most devoted students — Mae Chee Yo, who is also his own mother. He ordained on May 20, 2009 at Wat San Fran Dhammaram, becoming the temple's first monk fluent enough in English to teach comfortably in both languages.He's since become known for delivering sermons and teachings that move fluidly between English and Thai, and — alongside his sister, Neecha Thian-Ngern — was personally entrusted by Ācariya Thoon to translate and spread his teachings to a wider audience. He is the author of Right Start, Right Finish.📄 Transcript: https://bit.ly/hol-ep-75⏱Timestamps:(0:00) – Why arguments happen: one perspective vs. the full context(0:45) – "My mum brought me up while she was fighting"(1:31) – The AP calculus story: fighting the school system(2:37) – "She messed me up" — mistaking superhuman for normal(3:36) – The outside world's "perfect family"(4:30) – A hot house: why the kids kept leaving(5:33) – Planning to move away — until something changed(6:17) – The home shrine and midnight Dharma sessions(8:07) – Ten years of meditation, but "nobody changed"(8:57) – His father's intervention: one more teacher to try(9:43) – The "rocks in your mouth" anger story(10:44) – A teacher who taught wisdom, not technique(12:35) – "There's no finish line — except in the Dhamma"(13:30) – The Thai-writing board: seeing his father's side(16:49) – Everyone's entitled to their choices, and the consequences#HandfulOfLeaves #Buddhism #Meditation #Mindfulness #Forgiveness #FamilyTrauma #BuddhistTeachings #Dhamma #AjahnPranjana #InnerPeaceResources:https://watsanfran.orgSpecial thanks to our sponsors:Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee, Kayliam, Darren🙏 Sponsor us:⁠⁠ https://handfulofleaves.life/support/⁠⁠

🎬 Editor: Azraf Mahir
✍️ Transcribers: Cheryl Cheah, Tan Si Jing, Ng Yah Tyng
🎨 Visuals & Sound: Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan

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Two Dharma friends, Cheryl and Angela, sit down to unpack everything their March meditation retreat with Ajahn Jayasaro taught them — and it wasn't the peaceful escape either of them expected.In this honest episode of the Handful of Leaves podcast, they talk through work burnout, losing parents to cancer, the "I'm not good enough" loop that followed them onto the cushion, and why chasing a peaceful feeling in meditation can actually work against you. They unpack Ajahn Jayasaro's teachings on contentment, patience (Khanti), comparison, identity, and what it really means to sit with difficult emotions instead of rushing past them.If you've ever felt burnt out, doubted whether you're "enough," or struggled with restlessness in meditation, this conversation is for you.In this episode:- Why meditation is about learning to observe, not chasing peace- How to work with burnout, doomscrolling, and restless thinking as habits, not character flaws- Sitting with grief and catching the stories the mind repeats- Ajahn Jayasaro's teaching: "We are a function of who we compare ourselves to"- Why patience (Khanti) is called the incinerator of the defilements- Letting go of identity and achievement to become "nobody" — and why that's freeing

About the Teacher 
🧘 Ajahn Jayasaro is a British-born monk of the Thai Forest Tradition and one of its most widely respected living teachers. He first joined Ajahn Sumedho's monastic community in the UK in 1978 before travelling to Thailand the following year to train under the renowned meditation master Ajahn Chah at Wat Nong Pah Pong. He received novice ordination in 1979 and higher ordination in 1980.
From 1997 to 2002, Ajahn Jayasaro served as abbot of Wat Pah Nanachat, the international forest monastery founded by Ajahn Chah, guiding monastics from around the world under the tradition's strict standards of discipline and meditation. He is also widely recognized as Ajahn Chah's official biographer, writing Stillness Flowing.
Since 2003, Ajahn Jayasaro has lived in a hermitage near Khao Yai National Park in Thailand. He has become one of the most respected contemporary voices of the Thai Forest Tradition, known internationally for his meditation retreats, talks, and writing.

📄 Transcript: https://bit.ly/hol-ep-74

⏱Timestamps:
(0:00) Welcome and introducing the March retreat with Ajahn Jayasaro(0:28) The real reason Angela signed up: work burnout(1:53) Meditation isn't about peace, it's about learning to observe(3:45) "Okay shit, this wanting is not getting me anywhere"(5:47) Doomscrolling as dissatisfaction in disguise(7:59) Angela’s "fear monster" and fear of dying young(11:31) Reframing thinking itself as a reshapeable habit(15:11) Patience as Khanti, "the incinerator of the defilements"(17:00) "We are a function of who we compare ourselves to"(18:18) Choosing a wholesome idol to compare yourself to(21:02) Becoming "nobody" in meditation, and why it's freeing(22:24) Closing reflection: suffering and joy, together

Resources:
https://www.jayasaro.panyaprateep.org/en/about-us

Special thanks to our sponsors:
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee, Kayliam, Darren

🙏 Sponsor us:⁠ https://handfulofleaves.life/support/⁠

🎬 Editor: Azraf Mahir
✍️ Transcribers: Cheryl Cheah, Tan Si Jing, Ng Yah Tyng
🎨 Visuals & Sound: Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan

📱 Get Connected
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What happens when you follow the Singapore path, tick the right boxes, and still feel like something is missing?
In this episode, Cheryl speaks with Venerable Damcho on her unexpected path into Buddhism, from heartbreak and anxiety in university, to meditation, retreats, ordination, and discovering a kind of happiness that did not depend on external success.
Key takeaways:
🧭 I just felt like I had been cheated
A raw reflection on chasing the life we are told will make us happy, only to ask: and then what?
🧘 My happiness is not dependent on all these external things
A short-term novitiate showed her that peace could arise even while waking early, wearing simple robes, and cleaning toilets.
🔥It’s very difficult to identify the afflictions because I think they are true
A practical reminder that anger, self-pity, and fear often feel logical until we learn to see them clearly.

📄 Transcript: https://bit.ly/hol-ep-71

⏱Timestamps:
(00:00) Why the usual Singapore success path still felt empty
(01:20) Growing up with zero interest in religion
(03:21) How heartbreak and anxiety led her to meditation
(04:29) Her first strange encounter with chanting and the Heart Sutra
(05:21) The breathing practice that changed her response to fear
(07:44) How the thought of monastic life slowly began
(08:50) The friend who brought her into Bright Hill Temple
(11:43) The hidden wish to become a nun
(13:14) The Vesak aspiration that surprised even her
(17:22) Why ordination is not a form you submit overnight
(18:39) The short-term novitiate that changed everything
(21:48) Sleeping on mats, cleaning toilets, and feeling unexpectedly happy
(22:42) Why external success felt so unfulfilling
(25:03) How a Theravada retreat opened the door to Tibetan practice
(29:25) Her first visit to Sravasti Abbey was not what she expected
(35:55) The breakup, the US ticket, and a decision that shocked her boyfriend
(39:30) Becoming a novice and later receiving full ordination in Taiwan
(42:10) Lojong: turning difficult situations into practice 

Resources:
Sravasti Abbey Website: https://sravastiabbey.org/

Special thanks to our sponsors:
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee, Kayliam, Darren

🙏 Sponsor us: https://handfulofleaves.life/support/

🎬 Editor: Azraf Mahir
✍️ Transcribers: Cheryl Cheah, Tan Si Jing, Ng Yah Tyng🎨 Visuals & Sound: Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan

📱 Get Connected
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What if the peace you've been searching for was never outside of you?

In this profound conversation, internationally renowned Zen monk and bestselling author Haemin Sunim shares timeless wisdom on navigating heartbreak, uncertainty, difficult relationships, and life's inevitable challenges. Drawing from Buddhist teachings and personal experience, he reveals how inner peace emerges not from controlling the world around us, but from trusting the strength already within us.

Whether you're facing loss, struggling with difficult people, or simply feeling overwhelmed by life, this episode offers practical insights to help you find calm, resilience, and freedom amidst the chaos.
#HaeminSunim #InnerPeace #SelfWorth #EmotionalHealing #PersonalGrowth #Boundaries #SelfCompassion #SpiritualGrowth

✨ Key Takeaways:
💎 You Already Have What You're Looking For
Love, worthiness, security, and peace are not things we earn from the outside world. They already exist within us. External circumstances may amplify these qualities, but they never create them.
🌱 Every Challenge Reveals Your Inner Strength
Life will inevitably bring heartbreak, failure, and uncertainty. Yet every difficulty you've faced has shown one important truth: you've survived before, and you can trust yourself to navigate what comes next.
🕊️ Compassion and Boundaries Can Coexist
Understanding that hurt people often hurt others can help us respond with compassion. But true peace also requires healthy boundaries, protecting your well-being while allowing others to take responsibility for their own healing.

About the Speaker:
👤 Haemin Sunim is a globally respected Zen meditation teacher and international bestselling author known for his deeply practical approach to modern spirituality. His books have sold over six million copies worldwide and have been translated into more than thirty-eight languages.
Ordained in the Korean Zen tradition, Haemin Sunim received monastic training in South Korea before pursuing academic study in religion at the University of California, Berkeley, Harvard University, and Princeton University, where he earned his doctorate. Today, he continues to teach and inspire audiences around the world through international talks, retreats, and his widely read writings.

📄 Transcript: https://bit.ly/hol-ep-69v

⏱Timestamps:
(00:00) Stop Looking Outside Yourself for Happiness
(01:42) The Breakup Myth: Can Someone Take Your Love Away?
(03:18) Why You're Stronger Than You Think
(05:40) How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You Deeply
(07:46) The Secret Behind Negative People
(09:13) Don't Take It Personally
(09:46) Why Boundaries Are an Act of Compassion
(11:30) The Backlash You'll Face When You Finally Say No
(12:04) The Hidden Reason People Try to Control Others
(13:12) The Path to Inner Freedom and Peace
(13:41) Why Healing Yourself Changes Your Entire Life
(14:00) Final Wisdom: The One Thing Haemin Wants You to Remember

Resources:
Haenim Sunim Website: https://www.haeminsunim.com/

Special thanks to our sponsors:
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee, Kayliam, Darren

🙏 Sponsor us:⁠ https://handfulofleaves.life/support/⁠

🎬 Editor:Karen Law
✍️ Transcribers: Cheryl Cheah, Tan Si Jing, Ng Yah Tyng🎨 Visuals & Sound: Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan

Get connected here: ⁠⁠Telegram⁠⁠ ⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠ ⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠ ⁠⁠Facebook

Why do we feel like we’re never enough even when everything seems “fine” on the outside? In this heartfelt conversation, Haemin Sunim unpacks the hidden roots of unworthiness, revealing how our deepest insecurities are often shaped by childhood survival instincts and our need to belong. Through gentle wisdom and practical insights, he shows us how to reconnect with our inner child, shift our attention away from negativity, and rediscover a sense of peace and intrinsic worth that has always been within us.
✨ Key Takeaways:
🧠 Why your brain is wired to seek validation Your brain is built to scan for threats. So approval feels like safety, making you rely on external validation.
👶 How childhood survival shapes adult anxiety As a child, you adapted to be liked and accepted to feel safe and cared for. This shows up in adulthood as anxiety, people pleasing, and fear of rejection.
🌱 The hidden link between belonging and self-worth
When acceptance is at risk, it’s easy to believe “I’m not enough.” This is why self-worth often becomes dependent on feeling included and liked.
✨ A simple way to retrain your attention away from negativity
Your mind naturally focuses on what’s wrong, overlooking what’s good. Where you place your attention shapes how you experience your life.
#SelfWorth #InnerHealing #Neuroplasticity #InnerChild #SelfLove #HealingJourney #BuddhistWisdom #PersonalGrowth #HaeminSunim
About the Speaker:
👤 Haemin Sunim is a globally respected Zen meditation teacher and international bestselling author known for his deeply practical approach to modern spirituality. His books have sold over six million copies worldwide and have been translated into more than thirty-eight languages.
Ordained in the Korean Zen tradition, Haemin Sunim received monastic training in South Korea before pursuing academic study in religion at the University of California, Berkeley, Harvard University, and Princeton University, where he earned his doctorate. Today, he continues to teach and inspire audiences around the world through international talks, retreats, and his widely read writings.

📄 Transcript: https://bit.ly/hol-ep-69v

⏱Timestamps:
(00:22) Meet Haemin Sunim: From Harvard to Monkhood
(01:02) The Hidden Loneliness of Your Inner Child
(02:27) Why We Seek Approval (Childhood Survival Instincts)
(04:20) The Fear of Rejection = A “Death Sentence”?
(05:44) People Pleasing & Outsourcing Your Self-Worth
(07:04) You Already Have the Love You’re Seeking
(07:29) What People Secretly Hide Behind Their Smiles
(08:47) Rewiring Your Mind: Escaping Negative Thinking
(10:21) A Simple Night Routine to Train Gratitude
(12:25) How to Reset When You’re Stressed (10 sec → 20 min methods)
(15:19) Dopamine vs Serotonin: Why You Feel Empty After Scrolling
(18:00) Addiction Isn’t the Problem—What Are You Avoiding?
(19:30) Love = Attention (A Surprising Redefinition)
(20:11) Relationships as Mirrors: What They Reveal About You
(22:00) Healing Patterns: Why You Keep Getting Hurt
(24:14) Reparenting Yourself: Giving What You Never Received
(24:30) Cheryl’s Reflection: Letting Go of Validation
(26:11) Cheryl’s Reflection: Love Was Never “Taken” From You

Resources:
Haenim Sunim Website: https://www.haeminsunim.com/

Special thanks to our sponsors:
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee, Kayliam, Darren

🙏 Sponsor us: https://handfulofleaves.life/support/

🎬 Editor:Karen Law
✍️ Transcribers: Cheryl Cheah, Tan Si Jing, Ng Yah Tyng🎨 Visuals & Sound: Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan
Get connected here: ⁠Telegram⁠ ⁠Instagram⁠ ⁠YouTube⁠ ⁠Facebook