Nope! We're Not Monogamous

Opening a relationship can feel empowering… and activating.
A lot of people expect ethical non-monogamy or polyamory to feel freeing right away. Instead, it often brings up jealousy, comparison, attachment wounds, and questions about self-worth.
If you’ve ever thought:
 “Why am I confident everywhere else but spiraling in my relationship?”
 “Why does non-monogamy trigger my insecurities?”
 “How do I feel secure and desirable while practicing ENM?”
This episode is for you.
Relationship coach Ellecia Paine talks with clinical sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer about confidence, desire, body image, attachment, and emotional regulation in ethical non-monogamy.
Together they explore how ENM can become a path toward deeper self-trust, sexual empowerment, and real self-love.
This conversation blends therapy, lived experience, and practical wisdom for women navigating open relationships, polyamory, and personal growth.
🔥 In this episode, you’ll learn:
• How Dr. Joy discovered non-monogamy through swinging and polyamory
 • Why swingers spaces can be surprisingly consent-focused and body-positive
 • How jealousy and comparison show up in ENM (and what they’re actually pointing to)
 • The role of attachment styles and early relationship experiences
 • How to explore desire without shame
 • Why community and support groups matter in non-monogamy
 • What triads/throuples teach us about boundaries and emotional needs
 • How self-love and sexual confidence impact relationship security
 • What a “glow-up” really means in relationships and personal growth
 • Practical ways to build confidence while practicing ethical non-monogamy
👤 About Dr. Joy Berkheimer
Dr. Joy Berkheimer is a clinical sexologist, licensed therapist, and relationship coach who helps women reconnect with desire, confidence, and embodied self-trust.
Instagram: @glowyourgoddess
YouTube: Dear Dr. Joy
Website: joyberkheimer.com
Send us a text
FLOW Nitric Oxide Booster
FLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if non-monogamy wasn’t something you planned… but something you found your way into?
In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by Natalie Davis, editor of Polyamory Today and author of the memoir Saying Yes: My Adventures in Non-monogamy.
Natalie shares her deeply human journey from a traditional, long-term monogamous marriage through infidelity, swinging, and polyamory, and how that path eventually led to building a chosen family that includes her partner and her metamour, all living together under one roof.
This conversation is honest, nuanced, and especially validating if you didn’t start non-monogamy feeling confident, enlightened, or “built for this.”
We talk about how safety is created over time, why early rules aren’t a failure, and what actually helps relationships evolve without burning everything down.
In This Episode, We Explore:
How Natalie moved from monogamy to swinging to polyamory
Why boundaries and rules at the beginning of non-monogamy are about nervous system safety
Letting go of control as trust and security grow
What it really takes to live with a metamour (and why compatibility matters beyond love)
Navigating age-gap relationships with intention and consent
How infidelity can become a turning point rather than the end of a relationship
Why non-monogamy isn’t about having less commitment, but more honesty
How chosen family can expand your life in unexpected ways
Where to Find Natalie
Website: https://nataliedavisadventures.com/
Threads: https://www.threads.com/@nataliedavisadventures
Book: Saying Yes: My Adventures in Non-monogamy (available wherever books are sold)
Send us a text
FLOW Nitric Oxide Booster
FLOW brings blood where you want it to go — your brain, your heart, and your pleasure zones. Try your first bottle of FLOW FREE — just pay shipping. Experience the results yourself and cancel anytime. We’re confident FLOW will reignite your spark!
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy isn’t a flaw. It’s not a failure.
And it’s almost never about your partner.
In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, Ellecia unpacks a powerful realization sparked by reading Financial Feminist:
the way we experience jealousy is strikingly similar to the way we experience money shame.
Both are rooted in scarcity.
Both are tied to safety, worth, and fear of loss.
And both get way more painful when we shame ourselves for feeling them.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
Why jealousy is often rooted in shame, not insecurity or immaturity
How scarcity brain shows up in relationships, especially non-monogamous ones
Why non-monogamy doesn’t create jealousy, it reveals where safety was never taught
The difference between trying to “fix” jealousy and actually listening to it
How to stop abandoning yourself when jealousy hits
A gentle somatic practice to bring your nervous system back online in the moment
Ellecia also shares why she’s been diving deeper into financial education, and how living outside the box, in relationships, careers, and family structures, requires us to build security intentionally instead of relying on default scripts.
If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I like this?” when jealousy shows up, this episode offers a compassionate reframe that might change everything.
Send us a text
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

We talk a lot about honesty in open relationships and non-monogamy.
Tell the truth. Name the jealousy. Share your feelings.
But what happens when you open up and your partner tries to fix it, explain it away, or tells you you shouldn’t feel that way?
In this episode, Ellecia Paine breaks down why honesty alone doesn’t create emotional safety, how emotional invalidation quietly shuts people down in non-monogamous relationships, and what real validation actually looks like. We explore jealousy, insecurity, nervous system safety, and why being corrected instead of received makes it harder to open up over time.
If you’ve ever felt shut down after sharing your feelings, or noticed yourself fixing instead of listening, this episode is for you.
💜 Want support navigating non-monogamy with more safety and clarity?
 Book a Clarity Chat using the link below.
Send us a text
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Opening a relationship can feel exciting and urgent, especially once the idea of non-monogamy is on the table. A lot of couples hear advice like “date separately” and assume that’s the next step they’re supposed to take.
In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I slow that moment way down.
Dating separately can be incredibly powerful, but only when your relationship has the foundation to support it. When there’s unresolved hurt, shaky communication, nervous system overwhelm, or fear being managed through control, opening up tends to magnify those issues instead of solving them.
I walk you through five signs it might be worth pausing before opening, not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because building capacity first can save a lot of pain later.
This episode is about honesty, safety, and learning how to go deep before you go wide. Healthy non-monogamy isn’t built by rushing. It’s built by trust, self-awareness, and emotional skill.
🎧 This episode pairs with Episode 138, Dating Separately: The Secret to Actually Surviving Polyamory as a Couple.
If you want support building a solid foundation before opening, you can learn more about my one-on-one coaching program, Breaking Free From Monogamy.
And if this episode resonated, please subscribe, rate, or leave a review. It helps more people find the show and tells me this work is landing.
Send us a text
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237