Office Hours with Arthur Brooks

Finding the right person is hard. Being attracted to the wrong one is just as common.
In this episode of Office Hours, I explore why some people find themselves stuck in the same dating patterns over and over again, pursuing partners who are unavailable, manipulative, emotionally destructive, or struggling with addiction. I explain why attraction can override good judgment, why certain personality types are especially alluring, and how to learn from past mistakes and create healthier patterns in love.
This episode focuses on choosing the right person in the first place. If you haven't yet listened to my episode, 3 Rules to Fall in Love and Stay in Love, I recommend it as a companion to this conversation. Together, they offer a roadmap for both finding love and building a lasting relationship.
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Where to find Arthur Brooks: 
• Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• In-person Retreats: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠
• Newsletter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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—
Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(05:19) Why dating feels so difficult
(06:29) Dating Groundhog Day
(10:12) Attraction to unavailable people
(15:25) Substance abuse
(18:29) The Dark Triad
(20:56) How the Dark Triad reels you in
(25:52) Why we ignore red flags
(27:19) Dating strategy #1: Stop relying on others' judgment
(28:48) Dating strategy #2: Address your emophilia
(30:16) Dating strategy #3: Expand your time horizon
(32:10) Dating strategy #4: Don’t focus on looks and status
(33:21) Dating strategy #5: Look in the right place
(35:15) Dating strategy #6: Stop looking for your ex
(37:29) Dating strategy #7: Stop romanticizing doomed love
(39:00) Q&A: How to reconcile being on your phone to learn more
(40:15) Q&A: The value of fun leisure
—
Referenced:
• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: themeaningofyourlife.com
• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership 
• Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter 
• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale 
• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur
• Nearly Half of U.S. Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years
• Groundhog Day: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107048
• Mate Choice Copying in Humans: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26181063/ 
• The ability to judge the romantic interest of others: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19076319

• ...References continued at: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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Family estrangement is strangely common—affecting one-third of American adults today. While cutting ties can bring temporary relief, research suggests that, over time, it often resembles grief.
In this episode of Office Hours, I explore why family, one of the four pillars of happiness, is central to meaning, what is driving the rise in estrangement, and why conflicts over values and identity have become so difficult to repair. Most importantly, I discuss what it actually takes to mend broken relationships: the difference between healthy boundaries and permanent rupture, and the two qualities that help families overcome deep disagreement and stay connected. 
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—
Where to find Arthur Brooks: 
• Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• In-person Retreats: ⁠⁠⁠https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠
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—
Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(05:09) Why family estrangement feels so painful
(15:57) How common is family estrangement
(19:30) Why family estrangement happens
(27:07) The rise of the “no-contact” movement
(31:34) What the data shows about going no-contact 
(35:07) The two ingredients every family needs
(36:20) What tolerance really means
(37:43) Why forgiveness is essential in families
(39:20) The hidden incentives behind encouraging family division
(41:32) Q&A: Finding reciprocity in friendships
(43:38) Q&A: Attachment styles and finding love
(46:03) Q&A: Meeting a future spouse in person
—
Referenced:
• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-of-your-life 
• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership 
• Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter 
• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale 
• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur
• Family Estrangement Is a Tragedy: https://www.thefp.com/p/arthur-brooks-family-estrangement-is-a-tragedy
• What Makes Life Meaningful? Views From 17 Advanced Economies: https://www.pewresearch.org/global/2021/11/18/what-makes-life-meaningful-views-from-17-advanced-economies/
• Matthew 5:44: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%205%3A44
• Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them: https://www.amazon.com/Fault-Lines-Fractured-Families-Mend/dp/0525539034
• ...References continued at: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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We obsess over diets, fasting, and weight-loss drugs in the name of health. But we rarely ask a more important question: what kind of eating actually makes us happier?
In this episode of Office Hours, I explore what the science say about the relationship between food and well-being. Eating gives us pleasure, but meals bring deeper enjoyment when they also combine people and memories. I explore what that means in practice along with seven other practical rules for “happy eating.”
In the end, happiness at the table depends less on the food than the company. As my Spanish wife likes to say: the point of eating is not the food—it’s the love.
—
Brought to you by:
• David Protein—The most effective portable protein on the planet ⁠⁠https://davidprotein.com/arthur⁠
• ⁠⁠Noble Mobile⁠⁠—With Noble, there is only one plan: The No-Bull Plan. It’s simple. It’s transparent. And if you use less data, you get cash back. Get an exclusive offer at: ⁠⁠https://noblemobile.com/arthurbrooks⁠⁠
—
Where to find Arthur Brooks: 
• Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• In-person Retreats: ⁠⁠https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠
• Newsletter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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—
Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(09:55) Why eating is pleasurable—and why pleasure alone does not create happiness
(13:56) Two ways to turn pleasure into enjoyment
(17:12) How both positive and negative emotions influence eating
(18:43) Why eating moderately often is linked to greater happiness
(22:14) Dietary patterns associated with greater happiness
(25:19) What the research shows about alcohol and well-being
(28:16) Junk food’s impact on mood and well-being
(30:08) The pros and cons of a vegetarian diet
(32:19) Why crash diets are bad for your well-being and happiness
(35:59) Time-restricted eating and GLP-1 drugs
(37:13) #1: Balance across a variety of foods
(37:46) #2: Emphasize proteins and fats
(37:58) #3: Avoid junk food and refined sweets
(38:11) #4: Moderate alcohol consumption
(38:24) #5: No recreational drinking
(38:34) #6: Avoid obesity without starving yourself
(38:49) #7: Organized, regular, formal meal times
(39:00) #8: Meals in the company of others
(40:19) Q&A: The neuroscience behind how books affect our brains
(42:53) Q&A: Leisure vs. Sabbath
—
Referenced:
• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: themeaningofyourlife.com
• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership 
• Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter 
• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale 
• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur
• The pleasure of food: underlying brain mechanisms of eating and other pleasures: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s13411-014-0029-2
• Health, Happiness and Eating Together: What Can a Large Thai Cohort Study Tell Us?: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4802060
• ...References continued at: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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We spend much of our lives building our careers. We chase success, recognition, and expansive networks—yet despite all of it, many of us still experience a quiet, persistent loneliness.
In this episode of Office Hours, I turn to Aristotle and his work, the Nicomachean Ethics, to ask an age-old question: what makes a good friend? I’ll explore Aristotle’s three types of friendship, and suggest something that sounds counterintuitive: the best of friends are perfectly useless. I also share four practical ways to deepen the friendships you already have, and cultivate more of these useless relationships that create real meaning, deeper happiness, and a life well lived.
—
Brought to you by:
• ⁠Noble Mobile⁠—With Noble, there is only one plan: The No-Bull Plan. It’s simple. It’s transparent. And if you use less data, you get cash back. Get an exclusive offer at: ⁠https://noblemobile.com/arthurbrooks⁠
—
Where to find Arthur Brooks: 
• Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• In-person Retreats: ⁠https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/⁠
• Newsletter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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—
Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(06:32) Why close friendships are essential to happiness
(11:42) What a healthy friendship ecosystem looks like 
(14:54) Aristotle’s three types of friendship
(23:57) Real friends vs. deal friends
(31:17) Friendship step #1: Give yourself a friendship checkup
(32:39) Friendship step #2: Identify the people who truly know you
(35:06) Friendship step #3: Go deep or go home
(38:24) Friendship step #4: Make more friends that you don’t need
(41:32) Q&A: Adjusting to home after a year abroad 
(44:12) Q&A: Building better habits
—
Referenced:
• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: themeaningofyourlife.com
• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership 
• Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter 
• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale 
• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur
• Why You Should Want to Be Alone: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/07/hermit-solitude-benefits-happiness/678955
• I Matter to My Friend, Therefore I am Happy: Friendship, Mattering, and Happiness: https://experts.nau.edu/en/publications/i-matter-to-my-friend-therefore-i-am-happy-friendship-mattering-a
• Friendship and personality as predictors of happiness:  https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-006-9012-7 
•The average American has three best friends: https://www.the-independent.com/life-style/friends-adults-american-how-to-friendship-difficulty-a8906861.html 
• Social Support, Social Strain, Loneliness, and Well-Being Among Older Adults: An Analysis of the Health and Retirement Study: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-05698-001
• ...References continued at: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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Sometimes, the most insidious thing someone can tell you to make you feel better is the age-old phrase, “but you’re perfect!” While research suggests this may ease emotional pain temporarily, it might actually be holding you back from growth and, consequently, satisfaction.
In this episode of Office Hours, I explore why we avoid uncomfortable truths when feeling down, and why the better path towards fulfillment is honest self-acceptance—embracing your imperfections, and taking on the challenge to improve.
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Where to find Arthur Brooks: 
• Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• In-person Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/
• Newsletter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• X: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://x.com/arthurbrooks⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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• YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGuyFRjJQFGCKzfHTBvWM6A⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• LinkedIn: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• Email: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠officehours@arthurbrooks.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(06:50) The psychology of self-enhancement bias
(10:39) Who suffers most from self-enhancement bias
(15:50) Why we protect others with comforting lies
(17:16) What the research shows about self-enhancement bias
(22:57) #1: You’re not perfect but you’re normal
(25:37) #2: Accept yourself
(27:05) #3: Work to improve
(30:03) #4: Don’t blame other people
(32:05) #5: Reframe imperfections as puzzles
(35:48) Q&A: People pleasing and happiness
(37:33) Q&A: Finding time for happiness in a busy life
(39:24) Q&A: Teaching happiness habits to young children
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Referenced:
• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: themeaningofyourlife.com
• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership 
• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale 
• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur
• I'm OK--You're OK: The Pioneering and Bestselling Self-Help Guide: https://www.amazon.com/Im-OK-Youre-OK-Thomas-Harris/dp/0060724277
• Taking time seriously. A theory of socioemotional selectivity: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10199217
• Comparative perceptions of driver ability--a confirmation and expansion: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3730094
• The Illusion of Moral Superiority: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5641986
• Age and the better‐than‐average effect: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-10557-008
• The dorsal anterior cingulate cortex is selective for pain: Results from large-scale reverse inference: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26582792
• ...References continued at: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
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