Ask Kati Anything

Welcome back to another episode of Ask Kati Anything! In this episode, we are testing out our new single-topic format and diving deep into a topic you requested: adult friendships.

Are your friendships truly fulfilling, or are you staying in them simply because they are familiar? As we get older, our social dynamics change drastically. Today, we are breaking down the psychological differences between connections that are healthy and those that are just comfortable... because comfortable doesn't always mean healthy.


The Red Flags: How to spot an unhealthy friendship, including passive-aggressive digs disguised as "honesty," scorekeeping, loyalty tests, and a total lack of reciprocity.


The Green Flags: What a healthy, mutually supportive friendship actually looks like, from conflict resolution and repair to being able to celebrate each other's wins.


"Letting Out the Rope": A visualization tool to help you gracefully pull back from one-sided relationships without dramatic confrontation.


Making Friends as an Adult: Actionable strategies to beat the loneliness epidemic using proximity, repetition, and the scientific "50-Hour Rule" to turn acquaintances into true friends.


The Physical Toll of Ambivalence: Fascinating research from the University of Utah revealing how "ambivalent" friendships (people you have mixed positive and negative feelings about) cause higher cardiovascular stress and blood pressure spikes than consistently negative ones.


00:00 - Introduction: The Reality of Adult Friendships


02:24 - Is Your Friendship Healthy, or Just Comfortable?


05:33 - Spotting the Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship


14:55 - Sponsor Break: Rebound


16:47 - The Green Flags: What True Connection Looks Like


25:59 - When to Stay vs. When to Walk Away


38:15 - Setting Realistic Expectations with Friends


45:55 - Actionable Tips for Making New Friends (The 50-Hour Rule)


54:12 - Psychological Research: How Ambivalent Friends Harm Your Health

Today's Sponsor:

This episode is brought to you by Rebound, offering virtual, evidence-based trauma treatment with specialized therapists. Rebound is in-network with most major insurance plans across all 50 states. You deserve a therapist who truly understands what you've been through. Go to hellorebound.com/askkatianything to check your insurance and get matched today!

Join the Conversation: What resonated with you the most in this episode? Do you have any friendship "green flags" to add? Let me know your thoughts and leave your questions for next week's episode in the comments below! Have a wonderful week, do your homework, and report back!
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On this episode of Ask Kati Anything, licensed marriage and family therapist Kati Morton is joined by globally recognized keynote speaker and wellness expert Alison Canavan. Alison is the creator of the Energy Bank Method, a framework built on the foundational belief that human energy—not time—is our absolute most valuable currency.

In this raw and insightful conversation, Alison shares her transformative journey through the high-pressure international modeling industry as a teenager, navigating addiction, recovering from severe burnout, and addressing systemic mental health challenges. Together, Kati and Alison pull back the curtain on generational family gaslighting and look closely at why so many of us grow up treating constant anxiety and hypervigilance as a badge of love. They unpack the toxic trap of learned compliance, look at the overlapping clinical symptoms of anxiety, ADHD, and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and explain why passive family systems leave adults entirely blind to the process of proper conflict repair.

Tune in to discover how to stop playing an active role in your own ongoing suffering, how to shift from default nervous system reactivity into a state of presence, and how to rewrite your emotional blueprint using non-judgmental awareness.

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• Rebound - virtual treatment for PTSD. Please visit https://hellorebound.com/askkatianything
• Reddit - Download the Reddit app today!

More Alison Caravan!
https://alisoncanavan.com/
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Do you constantly over-do, over-give, and over-perform to "earn your keep" in your relationships? On this episode of Ask Kati Anything, licensed marriage and family therapist Kati Morton transitions to an all-new, single-topic format to take a deep, evidence-based dive into the world of over-functioning.

Through real community stories and personal reflections, Kati maps out the 6-stage cycle that leads from automatic over-giving straight into quiet resentment, eventual blowups, and toxic guilt. But this isn’t just an emotional burden. Kati shares fascinating, decades-spanning clinical research—including the concept of "unmitigated communion," a 7-year study following 1,340 couples, and a chilling 2022 medical study linking "self-silencing" directly to physical cardiovascular risks like carotid plaque.

If your body is carrying what your mouth refuses to say, it is time to break the loop. Tune in to get a clear, 4-step actionable framework to practice "deliberate under-functioning," express specific needs, and tolerate the discomfort of choosing growth over chronic exhaustion.

Chapters:


00:00 - A New Format for Ask Kati Anything


02:00 - What is Over-Functioning? Community Stories


04:00 - Fawning, People-Pleasing, and the Need to Feel Safe


07:40 - Earning Love: Kati’s Personal Story with Perfectionism


11:50 - The 6 Rungs of the Over-Functioning Cycle


22:02 - Episode sponsor message: BiOptimizers Magnesium Breakthrough - go to https://bioptimizers.com/kati and use code KATI for 15% off your entire order Plus a Free bottle of Masszymes


23:34 - Unmitigated Communion: When the Self Disappears


30:23 - The Relationship Trap: 7-Year Study of 1,340 Couples


35:36 - The Cardiovascular Cost of Self-Silencing


38:27 - Step 1: Identify Your Current Rung


40:34 - Step 2: Deliberate Under-Functioning


45:30 - Step 3: Make a Single, Specific Ask


49:15 - Step 4: Tolerate the Discomfort (Data vs. Danger)


52:43 - Next Week's Preview: Understanding Health Insurance

Share this episode with a friend who needs to hear it, leave your questions for next week's topic in the comments, and don't forget to subscribe!

Books

Why Do I Keep Doing This? https://geni.us/XoyLSQ

Traumatized https://geni.us/Bfak0j

Are u ok? https://geni.us/sva4iUY

ONLINE THERAPY (enjoy 10% off your first month)

While I do not currently offer online therapy, BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist: https://betterhelp.com/kati

PARTNERSHIPS

Nick Freeman | nick@biglittlemedia.co

Disclaimer

The information provided in this video is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical or mental health advice. It should not be used to diagnose or treat any health problem or disease. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional for diagnosis and treatment. Viewing this content does not establish a therapist-client relationship.
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Most of us know what we should be doing. The harder question is why we can't actually do it. In this episode, Dr. Rachel Goldman joins Kati to talk about food noise, GLP-1s, cognitive behavioral therapy, and the small mindset shifts that change everything. Dr. Rachel is a clinical psychologist, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine, and author of the new book When Life Happens. She specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, stress, and the treatment of eating disorders and obesity, and she runs a private practice in New York City.

Today we talk about why your brain defaults to worst-case scenario (it's survival wiring, not a personal flaw), the one-word shift that interrupts all-or-nothing thinking, and the cognitive distortions quietly running your day. Dr. Rachel walks us through what food noise actually is and why some people genuinely don't have it, how GLP-1 medications are changing the conversation around eating disorders and obesity treatment, and what most people misunderstand about both. We get into why the body sends signals that get louder until you finally listen, why "finding balance" is setting you up to fail, and the reframe that finally helped Dr. Rachel stop cancelling on herself.

We also go personal: how a clinical psychologist talks to her own kids about mistakes, what's actually in her toolbox when life feels too heavy, and the moment that changed how she thinks about self-care.

If you've been doing the work, reading the books, going to therapy, and still feel like you can't get traction, this conversation gives you a place to start that doesn't require overhauling your life.

Shopping with our sponsors helps support Ask Kati Anything


BiOptimizers Magnesium Breakthrough — Go to bioptimizers.com/kati and use code KATI for 15% off your entire order, plus a FREE bottle of MassZymes


Reddit — Download the Reddit app today!

Chapters
(0:00) Why you keep starting over
(1:30) Why she wrote this book
(4:18) What a mindset shift looks like
(6:00) All-or-nothing thinking
(8:30) The one small thing rule
(12:02) Worst-case scenario thinking
(14:30) The thoughts running your day
(16:13) When therapists share personal stuff
(18:30) Did training prepare her for motherhood?
(24:00) Working in obesity treatment
(30:00) GLP-1s and food noise explained
(37:20) Dance, eating disorders, the wake-up
(42:30) Your body is sending signals
(44:30) Managing a book launch and two kids
(48:00) The Casey Neistat self-care moment
(52:20) Why finding balance fails
(55:00) Poker chips and resilience
(58:30) What she hopes her kids learn
(1:02:30) Dr. Rachel's three tools
(1:04:30) Where to find Dr. Rachel

Dr. Rachel's book When Life Happens is out now: whenlifehappensbook.comFind Dr. Rachel on Instagram: @drrachelnyc

More from Kati
YouTube: youtube.com/c/katimorton
Instagram: @katimorton

Kati's BooksWhy Do I Keep Doing This? geni.us/XoyLSQTraumatized geni.us/Bfak0jAre u ok? geni.us/sva4iUY
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What do you do when your relationship is hard but you can't tell if it's worth saving, or when your trauma history makes your instincts feel unreliable? This week on Ask Kati Anything, licensed therapist Kati Morton, LMFT, answers seven listener questions about the moments when everything feels overwhelming and you can't tell what's the relationship, what's the depression, and what's the trauma talking.

Topics in this episode include: when to stay in a relationship versus when to leave, BPD and people pleasing, complex PTSD and attachment wounds, fear of abandonment, codependency, starting therapy when you have bulimia, non-suicidal self-injury, and dissociation, grounding techniques for flashbacks, what healthy love actually looks like, why depression breakthrough symptoms make you feel empty after good experiences, shame spirals and how vulnerability snuffs shame out (Brené Brown's research), rumination, behavioral activation, recovering motivation after emotional burnout, finding yourself again after trauma, inner child work and writing letters to your younger self, and how to respond to unsolicited advice without building resentment.

Timestamps:

00:00 Intro

00:56 When to stay vs leave a relationship, attachment, BPD, complex PTSD

12:00 Starting therapy with bulimia, BPD, self-harm, and dissociation

19:00 What healthy love really looks like

25:11 Feeling empty after going out, depression breakthrough symptoms

28:39 Shame spirals, rumination, and Brené Brown on vulnerability

34:25 Lack of motivation after burnout, becoming yourself after trauma

40:56 Inner child work, writing letters to your younger self

45:21 Unsolicited advice and how to respond

Submit your question: https://www.youtube.com/@Katimorton/community

Follow Kati on Instagram: @katimorton
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